Just come to me once, then I can let you go
by twilightened
Summary: Set after Eclipse. Jacob comes home struggling to let Bella go. He takes her to a secret place where they spend one final steamy day together before Jacob can finally give her up. Will Edward forgive her? New Chapters added. Please, mature readers only.
1. Chapter Reunion

**Chapter 1 - Reunion**

The phone rings. 'It must be Edward, calling to check on me', I thought as I raced down the stairs to grab the phone.

"Hello- Joe's pizza," I teased.

"Bella," asked a very quiet Jacob.

"Jake! Where are you?"

"I, ...I don't know, listen..." he hesitantly answers.

"Jacob Black! You've got to call Billy this very minute. He's been going out of his mind."

"Bella. Listen, ...is it too late? I need to see you. I can't... Bella. I'm going crazy. Please can I meet you somewhere," he pleaded.

"Jake. Where are you," I asked again, with quiet pity in my voice?

"I'm somewhere near Lake Pleasant, I think. I'm at a phone in a gas station. I just can't get our last visit out of my mind. I can't let that last visit, with me unable to get out of bed, be the last time I ever see you. Please Bella, can I see you?"

"Jake," I proceeded cautiously, "it doesn't have to be the last time I see you. I'm getting married. I'm not dying. And even after the, um, change...it doesn't have to be the end. You know how much I care about you, Jake. It will be difficult and I'll be gone for a while, but we can decide our friendship is worth the effort to rise above all of the prejudices. It doesn't have to be forever."

"Bella, I need to see you. Before...," there was silence on the line for a moment, then; "Please Bella, I can't breathe. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Just once. Please just once, come to me and let me say goodbye. Then I think I'll be able to let you go. Please Bella." Jacob sounded so desperate.

"Jake..." I knew how much it had cost him to say all of that out loud. I knew he was putting all of his pride on the line, that he had laid himself emotionally bare. I couldn't bear to think about the hurt that must be in his eyes. I couldn't begin my new life knowing how much I had hurt Jacob. If I had even a chance of helping Jacob heal, I would take it. "Ok, where can I meet you?"

"Thanks Bells. Thank you. Meet me at first beach, near the path that goes into the woods. It will take me a couple of hours to get there, I think. Bella?" he asked.

"Yes Jake?"

"Please don't call Billy. I promise I'll go see him tonight. I just really need to see you first."

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Where have you been? Why did you leave? We've all been so crazy with worry. Didn't you even think about how much this would hurt Billy?" I asked as gently as possible.

"I... I've been...running. Sam knew. I couldn't think anymore. I just needed to get away. I'm not even sure how long I've been gone. Thanks Bells, we'll talk more later. Just don't call Billy. I promise. I'll make it up to him tonight. I'll see you in a few hours." And the phone went dead.

I looked at the silent phone in my hand. I replaced the handset, then quickly picked it up again and dialed Edward. The call went directly to voice mail. I hung up frustrated. I had suggested that he go out with his family for one more hunting trip before we got married. I knew I would be the focus of his family's world for the next few years, and I wanted them to have one more carefree trip with each other before the wedding and my...make over. Still, I had hoped that he would answer.

I knew Alice would let him know the minute I disappeared from her radar, and then he would be compelled to race back from California to find me. I didn't want him to worry. I picked up the phone and dialed Edward again. This time I left a message. "Edward, I heard from Jacob this morning. He's a mess. I've never heard him sound more broken. He said he just wants to say goodbye, then he thinks he can move on. Edward, I have to try. I know I will disappear from Alice's vision for a few hours, but don't worry. I love you. My life is with you, I know that more than ever. Don't rush. I'll see you when you all get home, and I'll try to call again later."

I hung up and ran quickly upstairs. I didn't have much time. I jumped in the shower, barely allowing the hot water to warm my morning-chilly skin, as I washed my hair then jumped out of the shower. I brushed my teeth, and ran a brush through my wet hair and ran to my room to dress. My thoughts barely strayed from Jacob. He sounded so bad, like a ghost of the bright and exuberant Jacob I knew. I imagined what he must look like, running as a wolf for more than two weeks, disheveled and unkept. My heart sank. I could hear the vulnerability in his voice as he spoke to me on the phone, I could only imagine how that vulnerability would multiply for him when I saw him, knowing how wild he must now look. I was determined to make this as easy as possible for him.

I grabbed my backpack from under my bed, and my fleece throw from off of my chair. I knew it could be chilly on the beach and I didn't want Jacob to feel any need to warm me. I rolled up my fleece blanket and stuffed it into the backpack with my blue windbreaker. I then ran downstairs and left Charlie a note: "Charlie, Jacob called and needs to see me. I'm going to meet him and talk him into coming home. Please don't call Billy. I promised we wouldn't call Billy, but I made him promise that he would go home and see Billy tonight. Give me some time to talk with him. I'll be home as soon as I can. If Edward calls, tell him I love him and that I'll call him soon. -Bella"

I grabbed my truck keys, and the little silver cell phone Edward had given me, and rushed out the door. The truck started slowly, angry with me for neglecting to drive it much lately. I patted the dashboard affectionately when the engine finally caught, then I threw the truck into drive as I headed into town.

My first stop was the Thrifty mart. I ran to the deli department and selected a large container of Potato salad and another of Jell-O salad and some complimentary eating utensils from a Styrofoam cup on the counter. Then I picked up a roasted chicken, a bag of rolls, a bag of cookies, a couple of sodas and four bottles of water. Then I made my way across the store to the personal grooming aisle and picked up a small comb and a travel size toothbrush and toothpaste. Then made my way to the checkout.

My next stop was Newton's Sporting Goods. I was running out of time, but luckily I knew just what I was looking for. I avoided the gaze of Mrs. Newton as I made my way to the sports wear section of the store. After just a minute of searching through the outdoor wear, I found what I was looking for. I found a pair of lightweight nylon jogging pants made especially for backpackers that folded up small enough to be neatly tucked into it's own back pocket. I held up several pairs until I found a black pair that I guessed to be about the right size. Next I picked up a nylon micro-weave shirt that matched. Both garments together could be folded up into the size of a man's wallet. Hurriedly, I raced for the check out. I told myself that I hoped that my gifts would allow Jake to feel more comfortable and less self-conscious around me. But secretly, I knew, that it would be easier for me to be around Jake fully dressed than wearing his customary lone pair of shorts. The thought made me uneasy.

I jumped back in the truck as the sunlight broke through the low cloud cover. I could see patches of blue. Fitting, I thought, considering that I would soon see Jacob Black. I started the car and headed toward La Push and first beach. I began to feel nervous and guilty as I drove toward my meeting with Jake. What would I find when I got there? I couldn't believe how horribly broken he had sounded on the phone. Would I be able to look into his dark beautiful eyes? Most important, I had to make sure that he understood that things couldn't change. I had made my choice. Edward was my life, my destiny, beyond the constraints of this world. It didn't lessen my feelings for Jake, but I understood there just wasn't another choice. This would not be a renegotiation. Edward was my soul-mate, and without him, I just couldn't live_. "Bella, I can't breathe. I can't eat. I can't sleep," _Jacob's words came back to me. I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump of guilt that suddenly settled there.

I parked the truck and looked down the length of the beach. I couldn't see Jacob anywhere. I picked up the little silver cell phone and tried Edward again. "Edward, it's me. I was just checking in again. I didn't want you to worry. I'll call you tonight. I hope you're having fun. I love you." I hung up and stuck the phone in my backpack. I got out the bag with the pants and the shirt and added the toiletries and two bottles of water to it. I then got out of the truck, and put two bottles of water and the cans of pop into my backpack, then hitched it onto my back. Then, with the bag containing Jacob's gifts hanging from one hand, and the bag containing our picnic lunch hanging from the other, I closed up my truck and headed down the beach to the trail. Along my way, I passed our bench - the long beached bleached-gray tree trunk with the finger-like roots on the end. I could feel the lump in my throat return as I remembered so many conversations that Jake and I had shared while sitting there. I picked my way across the multicolored stone beach until I reached the trail, then sat on a nearby boulder and watched the surf.

I could see a group of teenagers down the beach collecting driftwood. My mind returned to a similar trip I had made here almost a year and a half before - the first day I talked to Jacob Black. I wondered if I knew any of the teenagers down on the beach, I hoped they wouldn't see me. I concentrated on the sound of the surf, and tried not to think about anything. The smell of the salt, the sound of the waves and the sea birds had always been so cathartic to me - I slipped into deep thought.

"Bella?"

I startled and turned around as Jacob Black stepped out of the woods and onto the trail. He looked weary and trail-worn. His shorts were filthy and his hair was dull and unkept. He looked embarrassed, and not quite willing to step out of the shadows.

"Jake, ...I'm so glad to see you. You look...well, awful, Jake. I brought you a change of clothes and some lunch. Go change and I'll set up our picnic."

Jacob continued to look at the ground as he nodded at me and stepped forward and took the bag from me. I was stunned by his appearance. He looked more muscular than ever, but his eyes looked vacant. I hoped that the clothes I bought him fit.

I walked a little further down the beach to find a good quiet spot for our picnic. I settled on a small patch nestled just below the forest line. It was about a hundred yards out of sight from the trail head. I pulled my fleece throw out of my backpack and laid it on the sand then laid out on the blanket feeling the morning sun as it began to warm my skin. I let my mind wander.

"Thanks Bells"

I looked up and there stood Jacob Black, the dark nylon clothing revealing every muscle. His eyes a little brighter, and his hair glistening black and damp in the sun.

"You're welcome Jake. After our brief conversation this morning, I figured it had been a while since you'd had a change of clothes. Come sit down, Jake, I brought you some lunch, too."

"Thanks." Jacob dropped the bag with the water and toiletries and sat down on the blanket next to me facing the ocean. My heart raced as I felt his warmth radiate toward me. He still would not meet my eyes.

I opened the other bag and pulled out the plastic flatware, handing Jake a set. I then pulled out the now cold chicken, the rolls, and the potato and Jell-O salad. "Sorry, I forgot to get plates," I said.

"That's ok. This looks great. I'm starving," Jake replied with a little more enthusiasm. He continued to stare at the ocean.

He picked up the carton of potato salad, removed the lid and dug in. After a few bites, he held the carton toward me and finally looked me in the eyes.

"No thanks," I answered. "So where have you been, Jake. Why did you leave?"

He shrugged, "Not sure, I think I got as far east as the Wenatchee National Forest east of Seattle. I just ran. I left when I got your wedding invitation in the mail, I just needed to go far away and think."

"My invitation? Jake, I didn't send you one. I didn't want to hurt you, to make you feel obligated in any way. How did you...," I asked confused.

"Edward sent it to me," he said quietly, "He sent a note, too. He said he thought I had the right to choose for myself. He was right. He wasn't trying to hurt me, so don't get mad at him. Besides, Bella, what were you thinking? Were you not going to invite Billy? What would Charlie have thought? Anyway, I just needed to run. To clear my mind. How long have I been gone?"

"16 days," I said.

"Really?"

"Yes, Jake, really." I answered annoyed. "We've been really worried. Sam told Billy that you would come back and not to worry, but Billy has been a wreck. Sam wouldn't tell him what you were thinking or where you were"

"Sorry. Sam told everyone not to phase for a couple of days, to give me some time without everyone in my head. Then every couple of days I could make out the distant thoughts of my pack mates, but they tried hard not to interfere - to stay out of my head, as much as possible." Sam phased to check on me yesterday and suggested it was time to come home. I realized I couldn't put this off any longer." Jacob opened the bag of rolls and took out three and I handed him a can of coke.

"And what is 'this', Jake" I asked, my hands starting to shake.

Again, Jake fell into silence, watching the water and working on lunch. We watched as a couple of joggers passed by down at the high tide mark. They didn't notice us.

"So, how long until the big day?"

I knew he was going to take things at his own pace. "6 days," I answered.

"And then," He asked?

"Do you really want to hear about all of this," I asked, ready for him to get to the point.

"Yes, I want to know everything," this time he looked directly into my eyes, and sounded like my Jacob Black. "I have to know, Bella."

"Ok. Then we'll spend a few days alone here in Forks at Edward's house. When his family returns, we'll make plans for my ...renovations. However, Charlie and Renee, and everyone else thinks we're leaving for Alaska immediately after the wedding." I answered.

"Where will you make the change, Bella?"

"I don't know. I would like to stay somewhere familiar. I wanted to be in Edward's house here in Forks, but the family doesn't want to cause problems with the pack. It would be easier to be somewhere familiar, I think, to make the change, and then leave, when it's safe enough to move me. I think we will eventually head for somewhere in Idaho or Alaska, for a while."

"So, do you and Edward plan on - you know - 'honeymooning' here in Forks, or will that have to wait until after the change," Jacob asked while looking at me with pain in his eyes.

"That - is - none - of - your - business - Jacob Black!" I angrily stated, with a blush creeping into my cheeks. "Why would you think you could ask something like that?"

"So, you haven't...done anything yet..., with Edward I mean."

"Jake! What makes you think you have the right to ask me this? This is not a renegotiation. The decision is made. I will be married to Edward in 6 days, then I will be his, in every way that matters," I was shouting. I looked into his eyes and tried to make my tone kinder: "I'm sorry you're hurt. I'm sorry, but I can't change things. It's like Sam and Emily, Jacob, I don't think I ever really had a choice." Things were quiet for a few minutes. I could tell he was trying to choose his words.

"Let's go for a drive, Bella." Jake jumped up and began gathering the remains of our lunch. His tone was lighter, more Jacob. "Thanks again for lunch, for the change of clothes and the toothbrush. I was feeling pretty - _feral_," he mischievously smiled.


	2. Chapter 2 Betrayal

**Chapter 2 - The Betrayal**

We packed up everything, and walked back along the beach to the truck. Jacob reached down with his free hand and took mine. I tried to resist, then gave up. It had always been this way with Jacob. When we got closer to the car, I could make out the group of teenagers playing frisbee on the beach. I recognized two of them. Jacob let go of my hand, as they gazed over at us. I could feel their scrutinizing glances and imagined what they must be thinking.

"May I drive," he asked?

"Sure," I placed my backpack in on the floorboard, along with what little was left of our lunch, then climbed in the passenger side of the truck.

Jake was already in the driver's seat, pushing the seat back as far as possible to accommodate his long legs. I handed him the keys and we were on the way. I didn't even ask where we were going. I still felt bad for losing my temper with him earlier. Whatever he asked, I would be willing to discuss - whatever it took to help Jacob become whole before I left this life.

"So, do you have a curfew?", Jacob asked.

"No, but you do. I left a note for Charlie telling him where I was and who I was meeting. I asked him not to tell Billy today and promised him that you would go home and see Billy tonight. I figure that gives you until tomorrow morning before Charlie let's the cat out of the bag."

"That's ok. I really did plan on going home tonight. I've missed the old guy. The curfew I was referring to, was Edward's. Does he know where you are?"

"No, I left him a voice message, but he hasn't returned my call yet. He and his family are in California. One last family trip before they get stuck babysitting a newborn vampire for the next few years. " I candidly explained.

"So Jake, where are you taking me," I asked.

"Not far, just a little spot that overlooks the ocean. It's quiet and private. I just want some uninterrupted time with you, ok?" again, the vulnerability that I saw earlier washed quickly across his face.

"Ok, Jake."

We drove for another 10 or 15 minutes while we made small talk. I told him about Alice and her unconquerable enthusiasm for the wedding and how Edward and I broke the news to Charlie and Renee. He laughed, not quite sympathetic to my point of view. He told me about running, and how hard it had been to head home. He wondered out loud, whether he would be more comfortable living as a wolf in the wild or this world as Jacob. It made me sad to think that this life had become all but unbearable to him.

Finally Jake pulled off the road onto a dirt road. The dirt road led to a lookout high above the ocean. We hiked down a small trail that ended at another lookout, then Jacob helped me pick my way through the woods for another ½ mile. Finally we emerged in a little grassy outcropping, shaded by trees behind us, with a steep cliff and the ocean spread out in front of us. It was a beautiful spot. There was an onshore breeze slightly chilling the air, but the steeper cliffs to the North created a slightly sheltered spot. I took off my backpack and settled into the grass in the shelter of the northern sheer cliff and gazed out to the southwest and watched the seabirds drift in the air currents. It was beautiful. Jake stood at the brink of the cliff for a few minutes, then walked over and plopped down beside me. In an instant, his arms were around me, pulling me in so that I was leaning against his chest. At first, I resisted, but I then realized this was probably the last time I would ever feel Jacob's warmth against my skin.

"So, Bella, you didn't answer my question earlier. Have you and Edward ...?"

"Jake, why all of the interest!" I said exasperated. I was grateful not to be facing him and looking into those fluid dark eyes.

"I need to know, Bella. Please just answer me. I'm trying to find my way through all of this. This is hard for me, giving up the only person I can see myself ever loving. Give me a break, Bella. Just answer the question."

This was almost as bad as discussing safe sex with Charlie, but I owed Jacob as much as I could give him. "No, we haven't done anything yet. He's afraid he'll hurt me. I made him promise we would try, at least once before I wasn't human anymore. He agreed to try, after the wedding. Neither of us have ever..., it would be a first for both of us."

"So, you're willing for your first experience, to be one in which your life could be in danger" he asked.

"Look Jake, this really is none..."

"I know, Bella. 'None of my business,' but just hear me out. Is that really what you want? I mean, why not just wait until after the change, when there is no danger?"

I was suddenly so embarrassed. "Because I'm not sure, entirely, who I will be after the change. I don't know what my desires will be, what my priorities will be. I want this experience at least once as a human, before I leave this life behind."

"And Edward is ok with this," Jacob asked, with a little irritation in his voice.

"No. Not really. It was really a compromise thing. He said if I wanted _him_ to change me, I would have to marry him. I said if I had to marry him, then he would have to promise to try this one thing. Ultimately, he agreed to try. Look, I get so tired of reminding you of this, but Edward does love me and truly wants what's best for me. This thing, is _my_ demand."

"Demand? Bella, what if he gets...carried away. You could get really hurt." Jacob said, his hot breath against the side of my face.

"I don't think Edward could hurt me"

"You're playing with fire. That's quite a gamble your willing to take." Jacob was quiet for a minute.

"Bella? Can I ask you a favor?

"Sure," I answered, my curiosity piqued.

"May I please kiss you? You said earlier that this wasn't a renegotiation. I know that. I know that you are going to marry Edward, I know that you need him to live. I'm not fighting. I even know that he loves you and that he will take care of you. I know I've lost, but I need something to hold on to - something that is just between you and me. I know he cannot kiss you like I can. I need to have something that is ours alone, something he could not share - at least while you were still warm."

"Jake..."

"No, listen Bella, I mean it. I'm prepared to let you walk out of my life forever. I can do it. I just need something, some memory to hold on to. Please let me kiss you. Not out of trickery, or obligation, but because you love me and I love you. I'm not asking you _not _to choose Edward, or hoping that you will set aside your life for me. I know it can't happen. I know it. Please Bella, let me kiss you good bye. Let me feel all that could have been, let me live a lifetime of happiness through this last time together."

I turned my face to look at Jacob. I couldn't give him what he needed. I couldn't do this to Edward. I needed to look into his eyes, have him look into mine so that he could see how much I cared for him as I told him no. But as I met his eyes, I saw the same vulnerability I had heard this morning on the phone. I watched as his hopeful but cautious eyes darted back and forth between my eyes, trying to decipher my answer. Would it really be such a bad thing? Wouldn't Edward understand? He never felt good about the pain Jacob had to endure at the expense of our happiness. My restraint weakened as I looked into Jacob's pained eyes.

I turned to face him. I was sure that it wouldn't be the kind of kiss he hoped for, but I was willing to try to give him some peace. Edward would forgive me. He was beautiful and decent and he would forgive me this one thing. I pulled myself toward Jacob, settling sideways in his lap. His eyes were so hopeful, so anticipating. I reached up with my hand and stroked his beautiful face, then leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth.

His response was slow, at first, allowing this to be my decision. He let me deliver small kisses all over his soft warm lips, only slightly parting his lips allowing them to move with mine. I felt his breath quicken, as a small audible gasp issued from him. His arms came up to encircle me gently. My heart began to race. His arms were strong and hot. Jacob felt my excitement rise, and took my face gently in his hands, his kisses grew stronger. He parted my lips with his and I felt a charge run through my being as his tongue found mine. A warm shiver ran up my spine. I leaned closer to him, wanting to drink him in. My hands came up and ran through his soft silky long hair. His hand made their way to my waist, touching my bare skin where my blouse had pulled loose, and with warm pressure pulled my body closer to his. My head swam. I loved the feel of his warm skin against mine. All restraint fell away as an involuntary groan escaped my chest. Jacob moved his lips to touch my neck and kissed me just below and behind my ear, then moved along my neck and down to the V in my blouse. He placed his arm under my legs and picked me up off of his lap and laid me down on the cool sweet grass.

I knew I should object, but then he was laying beside me, pulling me toward him, his lips eagerly seeking mine again. I felt his hand light on my waist again, this time slipping under my blouse and pressing against the small of my back. My hand did the same. The minute Jacob felt my hand against his skin, he reached down across his body, grabbing the hem of the front of his shirt and in one motion pulled his shirt over his head and free, dropping it on the grass above him. I froze. This was dangerous territory. "Jake..." I protested.

His lips came back to mine, eagerly. He kissed my top lip, then my bottom lip, then brushed his hot lips across my eyelashes then down to my earlobe, tasting my resolve. Again, I gasped. Then I felt his hands moving against the buttons on my blouse. I opened my eyes and looked directly into his. They were alive with fire, honest and deep. Then my skin was bare and I felt his hot chest press against mine. His lips were on mine again, not being careful. There were no carefully drawn physical lines here. My mind wandered to Edward. Edward! And my lips froze. Jacob stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes, his hand still tracing my bare skin along my side. He was trying to read my mind.

Just then my phone rang. I jumped up. Guilty and ashamed. I crawled to my backpack pulling my tiny silver phone from an outside pocket. I tried to slow my breathing as I answered.

"Hello?"

"Bella, I got your message. Are you with Jacob still?" Edward's calm smooth voice rang in my ear.

"Yes, Jacob is here," I responded.

"Are you Ok, Bella?"

"Yes," I assured him, "Where are you?"

"Still in California, but we're leaving first thing in the morning to head home. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. How's Jacob?" Edward inquired.

"He's all right. I can't really talk much now. Can I call you after I drop him off at Billy's?" I asked.

"Yes, of course," he answered a little nervously, "I love you, Bella. Tell Jacob hello for me. Be safe."

"Don't worry Edward. I love you, too. Have fun with your family today. Things are fine. I'll talk to you later"

And with that we hung up.

I wrapped my arms and my blouse around me guiltily. I looked over at Jacob, his beautiful russet smooth muscled chest, his deep liquid eyes, and guilt flooded into my throat again. "Jake, I can't. I love him and I don't want to betray him."

"Bella...he's not here. This is about you and me," and suddenly Jacob was at my side again.

His hand was behind my neck pulling my face to his again. He kissed me on the lips, the chin, the throat, then down my chest kissing the top of my breast above the line of my bra. I shook my head trying to clear it. "Jake, stop..."

"Bella," he said between kisses as he worked his way back up to my neck, "Let me make love to you. Let _me_ be your last human experience. I won't break you, and I won't have to treat you like fragile glass. Please. Let me make love to you then I'll kiss you goodbye. Let me show you the feel of soft and warm against your beautiful warm skin. Whether or not Edward will ever know will be your decision, I have no desire to hurt him." Finally, his lips left my skin and he was looking directly into my eyes, my heart flipped over, "I'm not asking you to change your mind. Edward will get to have you for the rest of eternity. He will have many kisses, many times like this. He will have you in his life, and in his arms. All I'm asking is for something to remember you by that I can call mine, and mine alone. Something to remember how you loved me, though I couldn't have you. Then I will lock away that part of my heart forever and let you go. I _will_ let you go. I know you love me Bella, and I know you want me, I can feel your heart race. Please Bells, make love with me, ...then I'll say goodbye."

Jake looked up into my eyes, and I knew this was not some macho kind of conquest thing. It was a real plea. He had laid himself bare, and I knew that it wouldn't take much to break him. I didn't answer. Thoughts ran through my mind, contradicting each other. How could I make this decision? Either way, someone would lose. Either way, I would lose. I looked out over the ocean, the salt breeze blowing through my hair, and I began to shiver. Jake seemed willing to allow me time. He stood, walked over to my backpack, pulled out my fleece throw and wrapped it around my shoulders. He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, then walked over to the edge of the cliff and gazed out over the water, allowing me some time to consider.

My thoughts drifted to Edward, and all of our careful conversations regarding compromise. I knew that my demand had really unsettled Edward, that it worried him that he could get over excited and hurt me. It wasn't just his strength that was an issue. I'd heard of girls, who had actually bled some, their first time. Was I being selfish to expect Edward to restrain himself that much? Was it just too much to ask that he be expected to resist the call of my blood, while asking him to make love to me while showing enough physical restraint not to hurt me? I was embarrassed at my selfish demands. How much could one vampire be expected to endure?

Then I thought about my virtue, how important that had been to Edward. It had been one of the few things we had in common. Would he still love me if I traded away my virtue for some peace of mind for Jacob? For myself? Surprisingly, I thought, more than anyone, Edward might understand. Oh, he would be truly jealous, and hurt, but I knew he loved me and might even see this as a better logical solution to my demand.

My demand - again, the very thought made me blush with selfish embarrassment. Was it truly necessary? Could I just give it up and choose to become immortal before giving myself away? I considered this for a few minutes. No - this was one experience I had to have before my heart ceased beating and my skin iced over. I knew this with utter conviction, especially after feeling my heart race with desire today. I didn't want to spend eternity wondering what it might have been like.

Finally, my eyes looked up at Jacob. His beautiful muscled russet shoulders and back to me as he gazed out over the ocean. Would this really be in his best interest? Yes, selfishly, I wanted him. I know he wanted me. But would this just make it harder for both of us to let go. I had cried myself empty on Edwards shoulders the last time I walked away from Jacob. It felt impossibly painful - second only to the empty hole that had torn itself through me when Edward had left me months before. I knew what pain felt like. Could I walk away again, and not damage his soul beyond repair? My heart ached for him. I wanted to make things as easy as possible for him, but I wasn't sure this was it.

Jacob turned and looked at the indecision on my face. He walked over and sat behind me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his impossibly long, warm arms around me, his chin resting on my head. "You've been quiet a long time, Bella. Tell me what your thinking." He rested his elbows on my legs which were folded indian-style and wrapped my hands in his.

"I'm thinking that I left Charlie's this morning in a mad hurry to get to you and to help you heal and move on with your life. And here I sit, with the potential to cause you more pain, regardless of the decision I make. Whatever decision I make, I will marry Edward in 6 days. I will become his wife and an immortal and spend my existence with him. I love him, and I cannot live without him. But, To give you false hope, as I have already done today, is cruel."

"Bella..."

"No listen, Jake. It isn't that I don't love you. I truly do. I _do_ love you, Jacob Black. But Edward and I - our love is bigger than this world, bigger than the two of us. It's wrapped in destiny and kissed by fate. I could not live without him. There is no going back, the decision was made long before I ever walked into your garage."

"Bella, I know! I do. I've given up hoping that you could choose me. Edward allowed me to see inside his head clearly the night before I got hurt, and I know he loves you. I know what you are to each other, and I know that he is a good ...person. I seriously believe that after today, I can move on. But Bella, you have to understand, that either way, this is my choice. Just like you had to make the best choice for your heart, you have to understand that I have to make the best choice for mine."

"And, truthfully," he hesitated, "I'm hoping that this will allow you to let go of your demands on Edward. I think it's foolish and dangerous, and that if you and I have this experience perhaps you will change your mind. I'm hoping that perhaps I can be a part of helping to keep you safe until you are ... less fragile."

"Jacob, I told you before, that's none of your business," I said again in a slightly defeated tone of voice. Obviously, he'd been having the same thoughts that I had been having.

"Bella, you cannot ask me not to think about this. I'm sorry this is an uncomfortable conversation for you, but your safety has been my concern for too long to turn my back on this. I know you don't perceive this as a danger to you, but it is. Even Edward couldn't deny the possibility when I mentioned it in the tent that night."

Jacob paused, sighed then reached down and kissed me behind the ear and quietly said, "Tell Edward, don't tell Edward - It makes no difference to me. But, let me make love to you, then you can postpone your 'honeymoon' with Edward until after the change." A warmth spread through my being as I realized that I had made my decision. I would live with the consequences, but I couldn't speak my decision out loud. To speak the very words that would be such a betrayal to my beloved Edward, was an impossibility. I simply lifted one of Jacob's huge warm hands to my lips and kissed it. My path was set. I heard a ragged intake of warm breath as Jacob, too, realized my decision. He reached down and kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, "I love you, Bella, I will love you for always, but after today, I _will_ let you go."

With that, Jacob slid his arm under my legs, pulled me into his arms and stood up. He carried me a short way into the trees where our betrayal would have a little less exposure. He lightly placed me on my feet, then pulled the blanket from off of my shoulders and laid it carefully on a soft patch of grassy undergrowth. Then he picked me up again in his warm arms and kissed me softly on the mouth as he kneeled, sitting me gently on the blanket.

My head was spinning, my heart pounded. Jacob was beside me now, but facing me. He took my face in his hands and kissed me hungrily. His hands buried themselves in my hair as he took what he now knew was his to take. He reached down and pushed my still unbuttoned blouse off of my shoulders and helped me as I struggled ungracefully to pull my arms free. Then he reached down behind me and unfastened my bra strap. With that, an involuntary gasp released itself from my careful constraint and I felt myself losing control. My arms reached out and wrapped themselves around his neck, his shoulders, and pulled him closer to me. His lips moved down my neck and then across my collarbone.

Gently, Jacob lowered me down onto the blanket. He kissed my shoulder then moved down my chest toward my breast. His hot breath was heavenly on my skin, and his earthy smell clouded my thoughts. His lips lingered momentarily brushing across my nipple as he moved his kisses down toward my stomach, pausing only to undo the snap and zipper of my jeans. I clumsily kicked off my shoes. I looked up through the tree tops, seeing nothing, and in one quick motion Jake pulled the rest of my clothes past my hips and free. I closed my eyes, feeling exposed and anxious. I heard the rasp of Jacob's nylon pants being hastily discarded, then felt the soft warmth of his long muscular body next to mine. He rolled me onto my side, facing him and crushed his warm self to me as he hungrily sought my lips. He was right. He wasn't going to treat me like fragile glass. For several minutes our movements were wild and desperate. He kissed me deeply, then unexpectedly, slowed his efforts and went back to brushing his lips across my face. My arm reached up around his waist and pulled him even closer.

"Are you ok, Bells? Are you _sure_?" I opened my eyes and looked deeply into his. I could feel the future I was giving up spreading out before me. I wanted this. I wanted it so badly. I wanted one piece of this perfect alternative future to place away in my heart to take out and relive from time to time. I nodded, and fought back the tears as bittersweet desire flowed like waves threatening to overtake me.

I was hungry to explore every inch of his perfectly muscled warm body. My lips explored his neck as my hands moved along his chest, down his abdomen, around his waist and over his shoulders. I reached down and felt the length of his perfectly carved buttocks and thighs as I pressed myself to him. I caressed every inch of Jacob, memorizing his perfect form. My movements were calmer, softer than before, more exploratory. He shuttered at my touch, his breathing increased. I could feel his heartbeat, and mine quickened to match its cadence. Then Jacob again took control. His hands and his lips left hardly an inch of my body un-branded by his heat. I groaned at the unknown desires that coursed through my body. For several minutes, I fought to slow my reactions to the shivers he sent through my system. Then, his soft lips were back on mine and I felt my lips burn as I hungrily pulled Jacob toward me, I wasn't sure how much more I could take, I wanted all of him and he felt my eagerness. Jacob shifted his weight, his heat coursing through my very veins, my heart raced with the anticipation. I felt a flash of pain, as I let out a gasp, then we were moving as one, our bodies in perfect rhythm. My head swam as everything but Jacob Black and his perfect sunny dark eyes, and the pleasure he gave me left my mind. We made love as the sound of the ocean crashed against the cliffs below.

When we were physically expended, Jacob rolled off to my side and pulled me close to him like spoons in a drawer. My head rested against his bicep as a pillow. We lay there, our breathing slowing, quiet and dozing for several minutes. I could feel Jacob running his warm fingers up and down from my knee, along my thigh and to my waist, then down again. He periodically kissed my hair or my neck, allowing the quiet to permeate, but not offend. In the distance I could still hear the sound of the ocean pounding against the cliffs and the cry of the gulls, and wondered to myself if that sound would ever be commonplace again.

"Are you ok, Bells? What are you thinking about," Jacob asked?

"Yes, I'm fine Jake. I was thinking about many things, actually," I hesitantly answered.

"Such as...?"

"Well, I was actually wondering how you could be so...adept, at 16. I mean, unless there's something I don't know about, this was a first for you, too."

"So, I was ok," Jake asked teasingly, sounding much more like my Jake, the Jake I had come to miss.

"Would you like some applause?", I answered, with the same teasing tone.

"Bella, I've had lots of time to think about this. I spent an excruciating night in a sleeping bag with you, remember? You might have been able to sleep, and Edward might have been able to block my thoughts with his stupid humming, but all I could do was think about this."

"So you've been planning this for a long time, huh," I asked a little uncomfortable.

"No. I wished, maybe even hoped, but never really thought this day would come," he sincerely explained.

"Change the subject Bells, what else were you thinking about," Jake asked?

I rolled over on my back and looked up into his eyes. "I was wondering about your promise. Will you be able to let me go, now, or have I just caused more damage?"

"Bella, I made a promise. I _will_ love you for as long as I breathe," he said as he pulled me closer, "But I will let you go. If Edward can push away his natural instinct to kill you to keep you safe, then I too, can learn to put aside my desires. I will learn to resist, because the pull between us is tearing me apart. Don't get me wrong, if you change your mind, I will always be here ready to give you the life that would have been our perfect future, if destiny had not interfered. But I will let you go. This afternoon, will be enough. It will have to be." Jacob kissed my forehead again.

"Jake, I'm so sorry...

"Give it a rest, Bella. No more sorry's. There was never much hope, and I don't think you had a choice either. Like you said, the decision was made long before you ever walked into my garage. I'm trying to make peace with it now."

"You don't hear the cliffs apologizing to the waves for breaking on them, do you. Sometimes in nature, it's just this way. I can't allow you to continue apologizing for me being so determined to break upon you."

Let's just enjoy what's left of the day. Then I will kiss you goodbye, and let you go - and you will let me go. I will always have today. It will have to be enough." And again, we were silent for a while.

"I'm thirsty, do you have anymore bottled water in your backpack," Jacob asked. I rolled back over on my side as he got up and grabbed his nylon pants and pulled them on. He thoughtfully wrapped the half of my blanket that he had been laying on over me, then left to go retrieve my backpack. I sat up and wrapped the blanket around myself, knowing I didn't have time to find my clothes and dress before Jake returned. I sat gazing out toward the ocean, listening to the crash of the waves against the rocks thinking about what Jacob had said. I was the cliff against which Jacob had broken.


	3. Chapter 3 One Last Good Bye

**Chapter 3 - One last good bye**

"Damn, Bella, you look so beautiful," he said as he handed me a bottle of water.

"Thanks," I replied as he handed me the water, a warm blush creeping into my face.

Jake again, came and sat down behind me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my exposed neck.

"What else are you thinking about?" He asked

"Nothing you probably want to hear, I answered. I was wondering how I'm ever going to tell Edward about this. I was wondering what this will do to him."

"Then don't tell him, Bella. I won't. He'll never have to know."

"He'll know it the first time he sees you, Jake."

"Then I won't see him. And if I do, I know how his mind works. He told me that he can only see things as I'm thinking about them. I'll be careful to control my thoughts."

"What about the Pack? They'll all know the minute you phase," I asked nervously.

"These last few weeks, I've gotten better at controlling what I allow them to see. If it will give you peace, I'll try not to phase until after you are gone," I could hear sadness creep into his voice again.

"Thanks, Jake"

"Jake, do you think the pack will let me stay here in Forks when Edward changes me? I really don't want to have to go off somewhere unfamiliar."

"I'll make you a deal, Bella: If you consider putting off your 'honeymoon' until after the change, I'll talk to the pack and see if they will agree. I'm not saying I like the idea of you turning into some bloodsucking leech, but I would rather see that, then potentially dead on your honeymoon. Deal?"

"Bloodsucking leech, Jacob? Is that necessary?", I asked with a smile, as I elbowed him in the ribs. "Thanks."

"Well,...?"

"Ok. I'll consider it. Let me know what the pack decides," I answered.

"Anything else on your mind," Jake quizzed.

"Just, how hard it's going to be not seeing you all of the time. I'm going to miss you, Jacob. You're my best friend."

"Yeah, that's gonna suck."

Again, we lapsed into quiet.

"So, Jake, should I be taking you home to see Charlie now," I asked unsure.

"No way. We've got several hours of daylight left, and I'm keeping you all to myself. We've got today Bella, then who knows when we will see each other again." He hugged me tight.

"Jake, after I'm gone, promise me you will try to date. You know, find some ugly girl to hang out with," I said, only half teasing.

"Ugly? Oh I see, you can handle me being with another girl, as long as she's no competition for you? Is that really fair," he asked with a smile in his voice?

"Ok, ok, you're right. That's not fair. But you will try to find someone. You won't give up on love, right. I want you to have it all, Jake. Love, Marriage, Family, the whole thing. You will try, won't you?"

"Sure, sure, Bella. Maybe not right away, but I will try." Jacob said quietly.

We sat under the trees and listened to the ocean sounds and talked about more trivial things for the next hour. Jacob laying on his side, propped up on one elbow, and me, wrapped in my blanket leaning against him. But the sun became lazy in the sky and began to drift toward the horizon. I knew our time was limited, and my heart ached for the inevitable goodbye. Jake was himself again, his beautiful sunny disposition. This would have to suffice. A lifetime in one afternoon. I guessed that I was luckier than most.

"Jake, can you do me a favor," I asked.

"What," he asked.

"Can you go away for a minute so I can have a little...privacy?"

"What for," Jacob asked with a mischievous grin.

"Seriously, Jacob. I've been sitting here in nothing but a blanket and a smile forEVER, trying to figure out a graceful way to gather my scattered clothes and get dressed. Now, go away for a minute," I laughed.

"Why, I like what your wearing, though, if I had my choice..."

"Jake! Go Away!"

"No Way. I've still got a little bit of daylight left!" And with that he pulled me down so that I was laying on the grass next to him.

"Jake..." And he was kissing me again.

Immediately, I felt heat from the bottom of my toes. The easy laughter between us had fueled another round of fire. My arms flew up around him and I pulled him toward me. He pulled away, leaving me gasping for air.

"No Bella, I was just leaving. Time to give you a little privacy..", Jake teased.

"Oh no you don't. Are you really going to start something you can't finish," I challenged?

"Oh, I can finish!"

"Sure, sure," I said.

Then we were laughing again. Jake tried to pull the blanket from me, but I held onto it. He began to tickle my sides. Finally, I relented and he was kissing me again. He kissed me deeply until I thought my heart would climb out of my chest. We clung to each other with new hunger, our bodies moving in new ways. I felt Jake kick out of his clothes. Jacob took no caution with me this time, and I none with him. We had this one moment left, and we dived into our lovemaking with renewed enthusiasm. Warm waves of shivers coursed through my body and I was emotionally laid bare. I felt every emotion combine, united like colors of the rainbow. I wanted to laugh, to sob, to cry out. I clung to Jacob with desperation. Neither of us wanted it to be over, but neither of us was able to hold back. Again, I felt his heat course through my body, as we came together again and moved in perfect sync as one soul. We made love again for the second and last time.

When we finished, Jacob didn't move. He looked deep into my eyes, and moved a stray hair out my eyes with his hand. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you too, Jake," and I burst into tears.

Jacob was up quickly, and pulled me onto his lap, wrapping my blanket around me. He held me and let me cry myself out. When I was quiet, he slipped his arm under my legs, lifted me up and sat me on the grass and quickly and quietly dressed. He kneeled beside me and kissed my lips softly and said, "I'll be back in a few minutes, Bella. Take your time," he smiled and turned and walked out of the trees.

As I dressed, I tried not to cry. This was the bargain. One more time together. One last afternoon, then goodbye. I shook out my blanket, knowing that it would always and forever have new meaning for me. Then I rolled it up and placed it into my backpack. I pulled out my blue windbreaker and pulled it on. I smoothed my hair, the best that I could, and wondered if I looked different, guilty. Would Charlie see right through me when I got home? Would Edward? I took one more look around, taking in the smell and the feel of this place then stepped out of the trees and onto the little hidden grassy shelf on the cliff.

Jacob wasn't there. He was giving me some time. The sun was getting really low on the horizon, and the shadows had grown long and cold. I walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down at the waves crashing against the rocky face. I noticed that the cliffs were more worn where the wave crashed upon them. I understood. I thought of Edward, my perfect marble angel, of his cool touch and my heart skipped a beat knowing that I would be in his arms tomorrow. Again, more guilt washed over me. I was guilty for betraying Edward with Jacob, and guilty for thinking of Edward while here with Jake.

"Bella, are you ok," Jacob's voice was close behind me, then I felt his arms close around me.

"I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm ready to make this decision yet. I need more time." I answered. I turned to look into Jacob's eyes.

I saw hope then watched as it faded, as his focus shifted gazing out over the sea.

"Bella," Jake said softly, "Have you decided that you don't love Edward anymore?"

"No, Jake, that would be impossible, but.."

"Have you decided that you can live without him?"

Silence hung thick in the air.

"No." I said quietly.

"Then this is goodbye, Bells. It has to be. Cry if you need to, scream if you need to, shake, laugh, bargain, whatever it takes. That's what I've been doing the last two weeks. But when we leave this place, we have to let it all go, we leave _this_ behind - no regret, and no guilt. I will always hold the memory of this place in my heart: the feel of your soft body against mine, the smell of your hair. I will always remember what it was like to make love to you and to feel you shiver against my skin. I will always know _how_ you loved me, how it felt _when_ you loved me. I will always be grateful that you loved me enough to share this with me, and only me. It will be enough. Edward told me once that he would do anything, no matter how painful, to make you happy, to do what was best for you. I can be noble, too, Bella. I _can_ let you go."

We stood, overlooking the ocean for another minute. I thought about what Jacob had said. I decided to leave my guilt with this place, and felt no regret. I would lock up my memories of Jake and me and this place deep within my heart, and in six days I would bind my soul to Edward's forever. I was at peace. I looked at Jake, and he looked at peace, too.

"Are you ready to go, Jake," I asked?

"Sure, sure," he replied and reached down and kissed me once more softly on my lips. He reached down and picked up my backpack, slung it over his shoulder and took my hand.

"I love you, Jacob Black."

"I love you, too, Bella, and I always will."

We both took one more look around then climbed out of our beautiful private lookout leaving it's secrets behind.

The drive to Billy's was quiet, but not awkward. A lifetime had been lived this day, and we both reflected on it's meaning as we covered the few miles into La Push. Finally, as the clouds began to show hues of pinks and oranges, we pulled up in front of Billy's little house. I looked into Jacob Blacks eyes and reached over to squeeze his hand. His eyes still at peace, and so was my heart. This _was_ good bye.

"Good bye, Bella," he said with a contented smile on his face. "Be safe."

"Good bye, Jake. Be happy."

Then Jacob was out of the truck. I watched his carefree gait as he walked toward the door. Billy threw open the door, nodded at me and Jacob disappeared into the house without looking back.

I smiled and drove toward home. Edward would be home tomorrow. I smiled as I reached out for my little silver phone, anxious to hear my angel's perfect voice.


	4. Chapter 4 Guilty Conscience

**Chapter 4 - Guilty Conscience**

I sat on the bed, looking at my rocking chair, with the folded fleece blanket and a stack of other clean laundry sitting on the worn seat. I'd been sitting here for hours, I could not get rid of the uneasy feeling that kept welling up inside of me. I glanced at the clock. It was 1:15 in the afternoon, exactly 7 minutes since the last time I had looked at the clock. Edward would be home soon.

What would I tell him? I had told Jacob that I wouldn't tell Edward anything, and I had felt good about that decision. That is, until this morning. I hadn't slept well, my mind returning over and over to the little grassy outcrop overlooking the ocean. The same recurring dream had conspired to rob me of sleep:

_I was sitting on the grass looking out over the cliff toward the ocean, Jacob Black, with his beautiful bare russet torso standing at the edge watching the waves break upon the cliffs below. I was deep in thought: pondering, vacillating. I watched as Jacob turned toward me, his face full of hurt, so vulnerable. My heart ached. _

"_Jacob," I said, reaching out with all the compassion I had in me, "Come. Make love to me once, then let me go." Jacob took a step toward me, with hope and happiness in his face, then froze. His face frozen in shock, as I heard a gasp from behind. I understood even before I turned to look, and my heart splintered in a million pieces. I slowly turned my head and there stood my love. My Edward, broken and consumed, as if the very air were fire. His face frozen, as my guilty words echoed loudly through the salt air, taunting him with my betrayal._

"_Edward!" I screamed. But he was gone. "Edward! Edward!"_

And I was awake.

Over and over, throughout the night, my guilt branded itself upon my conscience.

I looked at the clock, 1:18. I looked at my pile of laundry.

I had made my decision. Now I had to live with the consequences.

When I left the grassy cliff with Jacob yesterday, I truly thought I could lock that afternoon away in my heart forever. I told myself I would never tell Edward. Why hurt him? Why torture him with the thoughts of Jacob and I together? My guilty conscience might even feel relieved to have him know, but what of Edward? What would be the kindest thing for Edward? And even more selfishly, I worried about what he would do if he found out. Would Edward leave me? Would I be doomed to a life without my perfect angel, destined to live out this life with a ragged hole torn through my chest, unable to breath deeply? I guessed I certainly deserved it.

On the other hand, didn't he have the right to know? Wasn't it the right thing to do, to tell him of my unfaithfulness? Unfaithful. I cringed at the very word. I wondered how hard it had been for Edward to confirm my suspicions, that first night together on the way back from Port Angeles. Hadn't he been frightened that I would bolt, run screaming into the night, once I learned his secrets? Yet, he trusted me enough to be truthful. Didn't I owe him the same? After all, these were the consequences of my actions. Didn't I deserve to be held accountable?

But could I survive if he left? And what of Jacob? What would Edward do to Jacob? This was supposed to help Jacob heal, get on with his life, not give Edward cause to chase him down and tear him to bits.

Jacob. As scared as I was, and as guilty as I felt, I still couldn't bring myself to regret my decision. I only had to remember his haunted eyes when he first stepped out of the trees at First Beach yesterday, and contrast that to the peaceful look on his face as he told me good bye. I truly believed that Jacob had come to terms with things, that he could now move on and let me go. For that, I would always be grateful.

I had to get up and get moving. I looked at the clock again, 1:24. I glanced again, over at the pile of laundry. Renee would be here tomorrow morning, and I needed to finish cleaning up my room. My bed was made, my floor vacuumed. I'd spent all morning cleaning the house, but I just couldn't bring myself to put away the laundry. My freshly laundered fleece throw sat folded, staring at me accusingly from the bottom of the stack. Should I place it back in it's customary place across the foot of my bed? My bed, where Edward and I spent nearly every night together snuggling chastely. What if Edward decided to pull it over me in the night. Would my face betray my guilt? Should I stick it in the closet, hide it away forever? Wouldn't that be suspicious? Should I throw it away? I couldn't decide. Of course, all of these thoughts were so silly, it was just a throw. Why should it mean anything at all? I got up, put away my clothes and put the throw in the top of the closet, under a box. 1:37, Edward would be here soon. I decided to jump in the shower.


	5. Chapter 5 Packing up

**Chapter 5 - Packing up**

Just as I got to the bathroom door, I heard my little silver cell phone ring. I ran to my room and grabbed it off of my bed.

"Hello," I answered out of breath?

"Hello, beautiful. Where are you?" Edwards perfect voice made my heart skip a beat.

"Are you back? I'm at home. Just getting ready to jump in the shower. Where are you?"

"We just pulled up to the house. Is Charlie home? I can't wait to kiss you, to wrap my arms around you. Shall I come there, or do you want to meet me here."

"No, Charlie's gone to Seattle for the night. He left a couple of hours ago. Renee is flying in early tomorrow morning, and Charlie agreed to pick her up. Her flight lands at 6:30am. He had some shopping he wanted to do in Seattle, so he decided to drive in tonight and shop, then spend the night with an old friend."

"Great, then I'm coming there. How long do you need to shower?" He asked, always the perfect gentleman.

"Just give me 15 minutes," I told him. Suddenly I was so anxious to see Edward.

"I'll see you soon, my love," and with that he hung up.

I ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower. I washed my hair, then allowed the scalding hot water to run over my skin for a minute or two. Would Edward know the minute he saw me? Would I tell him? I still hadn't decided. It was hard to even think about it. All I could think about was seeing Edward, being in his arms. I would think about it tomorrow. Give myself more time to think it through. I jumped out of the shower and towel dried my hair then ran a brush quickly through it. I reached for my clean clothes, then realized they had been in my hand when I ran to answer the phone. They were probably sitting on the desk next to my bed. I knew I had just a few minutes left, so I wrapped the towel around me and ran to my room.

They were there, just where I'd left them. I had to hurry.

"Ahem...," Edward pretended to clear his throat, then chuckled. "Did I come at a bad time," he asked as he turned his head trying to give me a little privacy?

"Edward!" I looked down to make sure I was covered than ran and threw myself into his marble arms. "Welcome home!"

"Bella, do you have any idea how tempting you are! My goodness, how strong do you think I am?" Then he kissed me on the forehead, turned me around and gave me a playful push toward the door. "Now hurry up and dress before I do something we'll both regret. Hurry! I'm not sure how long I can wait to kiss you."

"Ok, just a second," I said, as I ran back to the bathroom to dress.

I dressed quickly, then ran back in my room where I found Edward waiting. He looked as anxious as I was. I ran to him as he took a step toward me. Instantly I was in his arms and he was kissing me. I pulled myself to him as he felt his way up my back from my waist to my wet hair. He kissed me hungrily. His very taste making it hard for me to think. I clung to him, feeling his beautiful perfect chest through his thin shirt as heat coursed through my body mingling with his cool touch. Then he slowly retreated, and he chuckled as he looked down at me and brushed his hand across my cheek and along my jaw.

"Did you miss me," he asked?

"Immensely! Did you guys have a good trip? Find any mountain lions?"

"Yes, and yes. But, sadly, I was distracted much of the time. My arms felt empty, and my lips felt too cold for too long. I couldn't wait to get back here to you." He raised my hand and kissed my ring. "I guess it won't be long before I can officially call you mine, then I won't ever have to endure any time away again."

My heart jumped, did I really deserve him?

"So, how was Jacob," Edward casually asked?

"I think he'll be ok." I answered, too quickly

A crease formed between Edward's eyes, as he looked like he knew he was missing something.

"Where has he been? Did he say?"

"He's been running. Apparently the invitation and the note you sent him, were kind of a shock. And by the way, I thought we had an agreement on not sending an invitation to Jacob?" I said with mock irritation.

"I'm sorry Bella. Jacob and I kind of came to an understanding. I can't say that we're exactly friends, but I think we have a mutual respect for one another. I thought he had a right to decide for himself. I felt it was the honorable thing to do, you know, to give him the choice. I'm sorry he took it hard. Forgive me?" He asked, then proceeded to dazzle me with his beautiful eyes, and that scent! My heads spun. What was I thinking about? Oh, yeah:

"Well, he's been running as a wolf this whole time. He called me from some gas station yesterday morning and he didn't even really know where he was or how long he had been gone. He sounded so awful. He wanted to meet me, to say good bye before the wedding. I had to try to make things as easy as I could for him. I bought him some lunch and a change of clothes and met him at First Beach. He looked awful. After I made him clean up a little, we ate lunch."

"I spent most of the day with him. He kept asking about the wedding, the change, etc. He was just trying to come to terms with things, I think. By the time I dropped him off at Billy's he seemed at peace and ready to move on." I swallowed and blinked, keeping the guilt from rising into my throat.

"Bella? I get the feeling you're not telling me something," Edward asked a little nervously? "Is there anything else?"

"Nothing that matters," I comforted. "The only thing in this world that matters, is right here in my arms." I reached up and kissed his throat. Was I making the right decision? Should I tell him?

Edward didn't look like he was completely convinced that I had told him everything, but he seemed willing to let me keep my secrets.

We spent the next few hours catching up. I told Edward about Renee coming to visit. Phil couldn't come because he had some sort of summer training camp he was obligated to, but he called and wished me luck. Renee had first decided to come and stay in a motel, but Charlie convinced her that she would have more time to spend with me if she stayed here. Finally, she agreed. Charlie was giving up his bedroom, and would be sleeping on the couch for the next few nights. I think Renee was a little uncomfortable about sleeping in the bedroom that she had shared with Charlie years ago, but it would be ok. Although Charlie was a nervous wreck about Renee coming, I think he was really looking forward to it.

Then Edward went out to his car and brought in some boxes. We thought the next few days might get a little busy with Renee in town, so it seemed a good time to pack up whatever I wouldn't be needing in the next few days.

Edward sat on my bed, taping the bottoms of the boxes making them ready to fill, while I sorted and packed up my desk and my books. I couldn't believe how much I had accumulated since arriving in Forks. Still, it was shocking to see that everything I owned would easily fit into just a few boxes. When Edward finished, he went to my closet and began loading things into boxes.

"How about this?" Edward teased me as he lifted the large black plastic trash bag that contained what was left of the stereo I had ripped out of my dashboard.

I picked up a pillow off of my bed and threw it at him. He laughed out loud as he ducked out of the way.

"I think it can go," I said.

One by one, items were assessed and placed into trash bags or boxes. "That's to keep, that can go," as my former life began to sort itself into two piles: Past and Future. I was beginning to get very anxious about the wedding. I still felt a little embarrassed when I would see friends from school and sensed their disapproval for our decision to get married so young, but I was ready.

"What about this?' Edward asked, bringing me back to the task at hand.

I looked up and saw that Edward was holding my folded fleece throw. My heart skipped a beat as I fought the blush that tried to invade my cheeks. Edward looked at me curiously.

I turned away trying to sound casual. "I don't think I'll be needing blankets for much longer. It can go." Would this eventually get any easier?

I could feel Edward's eyes on me, but he didn't press me.

When we finished, I stopped to make me a quick sandwich then we loaded up my boxes into Edward's car and drove over to his house. I had missed his family. I helped Alice with some last minute wedding things. She seemed a little troubled by something, but wouldn't quite say.

"Anything you'd like to talk about, Bella," Alice asked.

"Everything's fine, Alice," though I suddenly felt uneasy. What did she see? I wasn't sure I wanted to know, so I didn't ask. I couldn't be too bad, since she was still frantically fussing over the wedding. I wished my guilty conscience would just go to sleep and take the rest of the afternoon off.

Aside from my guilty pangs, the afternoon was fun. It was always fun being around Edward's family. Even Rosalie had lightened up a little. Esme and I had a sweet conversation, and I knew that although I would really miss Renee, I was lucky that I would have Esme in my life.

Just before dark, Emmett came in and asked if anyone was interesting in a little tag football. Edward chuckled, obviously in on some private joke that the rest of us were missing. Jasper said, "I'm in," and the three of them heading toward the front door.

"Bella?", Emmett asked, "Aren't you coming?"

"What, does that mean I can play? You've obviously never seen me in PE!" I answered.

"Come on, we won't let you hurt yourself," he laughed.

"Ok, I guess I can try...," I said a little unsure.

Edward's face was a little too mischievous.

I soon understood the joke. I was the designated football! The boys ran through the yard passing me from one to the other then, running and chasing each other and ignoring my laughing protests to "Put me down!" Then dropping me gently at the 'goal line', they would shout with a gleeful "Touch Down." I laughed until I thought I would pee. I was so grateful this hadn't been a passing game!

Finally, it was getting late and time to go home. I told everyone good bye, slapped Emmett and Jasper again on my way out, then Edward drove me home. "Thanks, this was a really fun night," I told him after he tucked me in and kissed me good night.

"I love you, Edward."

"I love you too, Bella. Sleep well, my love," he whispered in my ear.

I felt myself slipping into a contented and exhausted sleep as Edward reach down with his perfect lips and kissed my hair one more time.


	6. Chapter 6 Revelations

**Chapter 6 - Revelations**

I woke up, my heart racing, Edward's name still on my lips and ringing in my ears. I sat up straight in bed. My breathing was ragged, I still felt and edge of panic. The moonlight streaming through the window illuminated Edward's perfect horrified features. "Bella, ... did you?? Tell me that was just a dream. Bella, you just said..., tell me that was just pre-wedding jitters? Bella? _Bella?_"

I couldn't speak. My mind was still swimming from the dream. Had I spoken out loud? Was this now part of the dream? I shook my head, trying to clear my mind. Edward was here, and I had cried out loud. He knew.

"Edward..." I whispered.

"Bella," his voice cracked, "What have you done? Did he...?"

"Please, Edward, let me explain."

"Yes or no, Bella. I just need to know," his voice was flat, emotionless.

I couldn't answer. I couldn't give voice to that which would betray my guilt and would drive a knife through my angel's already still heart. But the silence spoke volumes and I couldn't take it back. I began to cry. I reached out to touch him. To still his pain, and maybe my own.

"No Bella. Don't." His quiet words weren't just anger and pain. They were a warning, and I felt a shiver slide through me. He wasn't entirely sure he could control himself right now. I sat silently weeping, waiting for the verdict on my future.

Edward slowly rose, as though physically hurt. "I'll kill him," and with that I heard my window bang open, and Edward was gone.

"Edward! Edward, No! The Truce!"

I heard his car tires screech as he made a U turn and sped down the road toward La Push.

I turned on the light and ran to the phone. I dialed Jacob as my hands shook. 'Please be home. Please answer. Please answer,' I thought. The clock read 2:04 a.m..

"Hello?"

"Jacob?"

"Bella? It's after 2:00 in the morning. " What...?"

"Jacob. He knows. He's on his way there. He'll break the truce..."

"Is he driving or running?"

"He's in his car. Jacob, there will be war. He's furious. You need to.."

"Bella, I'll meet him at the treaty line on the highway. Don't worry. I'll stop him."

And with that he hung up. Then I dialed Edward. It rang. One ring. Two. Three. Answer! Four. Edward's phone had no voice mail greeting, but I heard it click over to voice mail. I hung up and dialed again. One ring. Two. He answered! Then the phone went dead. He'd hung up. I had to try again.

"Edward, answer the phone!" I yelled at my empty room.

I dialed again. It went immediately to voice mail. Edward had turned off his phone. I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I felt a familiar ache in the center of me, as I began to panic.

The phone rang.

I grabbed the phone, "Edward?!"

"Bella, what have you done," asked Alice? Her voice calm and nonjudgmental, but clearly full of worry.

"Where is he, Alice? Is he ok? Where's he going? What's he doing? O Dear Heavens, what have I done!?".

"Calm down Bella." He must be going to see Jacob. He has disappeared from my mind. Please tell me you didn't..."

"I can't Alice. I promise, I'll tell you everything tomorrow. I just have to get to Edward. Jake's meeting him at the treaty line on the highway. I can't lose him. I'll die."

"I know. I already grabbed the boys. We're almost there. I'll meet you there."

"Don't tell them anything, Alice. Edward's in bad enough shape without feeling humiliated."

"We'll stay out of sight unless he needs us, but I can't promise we won't hear anything. Bella, you had better help me understand this tomorrow, or I swear I will make a snack out of you." And with that Alice hung up. I knew Alice didn't mean it, but I knew her threat was nothing less than I deserved.

I pulled on my old sweats and shoes, grabbed my phone and my keys and ran out the door, wishing for once that I had let Edward buy me that fast Audi. I knew I was at least 15 minutes behind him. My heart pounded in my chest, right next to the ragged hole that was threatening to reopen.


	7. Chapter 7 Confessions and Questions

**Chapter 7 - Confessions and Questions**

Edward's POV

I was getting close to the border, now. I knew I would be breaking the treaty, but I couldn't even think about that yet. All I could think about was hearing Bella's voice, "_Come, Jacob, make love to me once, then let me go_." Another wave of fury washed over me. Could it possibly have happened? Had that dog left another mark upon my Bella? I had to see him. I had to hear his mind. I knew it would destroy me, but I had to know.

My phone rang again. I didn't have to look to know who it was. Whether it was Alice or Bella, trying to call again, I didn't want to talk. I flipped the phone open and closed, then powered it off.

I knew even before I reached the bend in the road that Jacob was waiting for me just around the turn. I could hear his voice, cautioning me_. "Remember the treaty. Do you really want to start a war? Think about your family. Think about Bella_." I rounded the corner, and pulled over as my brakes squealed and my tires threw gravel from the shoulder of the road.

I could see Jacob, about 100 yards away. He was leaning against that ridiculous chunk of metal he called a car, wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I tried to control my instincts. I wasn't sure I could keep from killing Jacob, but I had to try. I had to try to protect my family. Suddenly, I was aware of other voices in my head.

I got out of the car, as I spoke quietly. " Alice, Jasper, Emmett - Go home. You too, Rosalie." I heard surprise in their minds as they realized that Rosalie had followed them. There was confusion there, too. I realized that no one but Alice suspected what was going on, and she was worried. "Go home. I'm ok. I'm not going to break the truce. I just have some unfinished business with this mongrel, then I'll be home." I fought to keep my voice smooth, calm.

"_Edward, don't be rash, you should talk to Bella first. This is a bad idea, Edward. Come home with us," _I heard Alice's thoughts.

"Go home, Alice. This is none of your business. This is between me and the dog." And they were retreating, back toward the house, though they were still uncertain.

I walked toward the border, still not knowing how I would stop myself from tearing Jacob apart. I felt venom drip down the back of my throat, as my predatory instinct to kill was triggered. I fought it down.

"Edward, you should go home and talk to Bella," he said.

"Listen dog: Do you mind if we have this conversation in private," I spoke through gritted teeth.

"Who else is here," he asked, understanding?

"Paul and Embry, they smelled my family and came to investigate. Get them out of here."

Jacob walked over into the woods for a minute. I shook with fury, fighting back wave upon wave. _"Go home, this is my business not pack business - that's an order." _

Finally, Jacob returned and we were alone. "Seriously, Edward, I can't help you. This is between you and Bella. Go talk to her."

"I see you've been working on controlling your thoughts. Very clever, dog, but I already know. This is a new low, even for you Jacob. First you pretend to be willing to kill yourself to get her to kiss you, then this. What did you do...What did you say to her to make her...?" I couldn't even force the words out of my mouth.

"It wasn't like that," Jacob responded. "Go home and talk to Bella."

"Liar! You've spoiled her, destroyed us. All for a game? A conquest? What was it Jacob, how did you do this! How could you do this!" I felt my anger rise again, and I fought to control. I needed to remain calm. I needed answers.

"Look. I tried to leave. No - I left. I tried to walk away, but I couldn't get her out of my mind. What was it like for you when you left her?" I flinched as fresh guilt for the pain I had caused her. I remembered the long months of hell I endured.

"That was different, I was trying to protect her," I roared.

"It's no different. I was trying to protect her, too. I got your note, and I left. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe. My life was gone. My reason for being was getting married to someone else, then she was determined to give up her life. I knew if I stayed I wouldn't be able to resist trying to win her back, and causing her more pain. All I had to cling to was the memory of one kiss that I tricked her into giving me. I clung to it, my only lifeline was that one memory and it barely kept me from drowning. Then Sam called me home. I had to see her. I had to find a way to let her go. I thought if she would kiss me - without a lie making her feel obligated, then I could let her go."

"You had no right. Her decision was made. Do you know how long she cried, how hard it was for her to let you go, Jacob? What were you thinking, bringing more pain into her life?"

"I know." Jacob looked at the ground ashamedly. "By the time she met me, I had come to the same conclusion. So, I was determined to just talk to her, ask her about her life, then go home and visit Billy and leave again, this time forever. I would just run."

Though Jacob was working really hard to keep me out of his head, I could see flickers of memory, and I knew he was telling the truth. Still, he had no right. Bella was mine. My soul-mate. Soon-to-be, my wife. My heart sank, as I realized that reality may be gone forever.

"I asked her about the wedding plans, and your _other_ plans. She got so angry, I knew she was hiding something from me. I began to worry that she was in more danger than she wanted to admit. So I decided to take her somewhere private, where I could get her to talk to me. Once there, she finally broke down and told me about her _demand._" Jacob's voice was suddenly angry. "What were you thinking? You could kill her! I've seen you bloodsuckers unleash your full strength. What if you got carried away, she would be dead before you even realized what you had done. I would never have put her in that kind of danger. Never!"

"That's none of your business, Jacob! She's no longer your concern." My anger nearly boiled over. Though, guilt also rushed through me. I knew what I was. I knew how wrong I was for Bella and that by agreeing to her demands I was agreeing to put her in mortal danger. My eyes dropped and through clenched teeth I uttered, "I promised to _try_. I would never have hurt her. I would _never_ have hurt her."

Again, flickers of conversations flew through Jacob's mind. I heard Bella defending me, telling Jacob that she needed me before she turned, and to mind his own business. I felt Jacob's panic, as he realized that her life was in danger. I felt sick with guilt, with rage, with despair. Jacob must have sensed I was hearing his thoughts again because suddenly the memories were gone.

"I begged her to put off your honeymoon until after her change," Jacob spoke.

"Don't you think I've asked her the same thing? Don't you think I've begged? It's all she wanted." I angrily shouted.

"I know. She told me she wasn't sure who she would be after the change. She wanted this one experience before she wasn't human anymore. I was afraid she would push you too hard. So, I begged her to kiss me. I told her I needed some memory of she and I to help me move on with my life, then I would let her go. Truthfully, I know she wanted to say no, but she pitied me. I kissed her, but I hoped that it would turn into more than a kiss. I hoped that I would take away her need to force you to make love to her before her transformation. I wanted to keep her safe. If I couldn't keep her and if I couldn't keep her from seeking to let her heart go still and cold, perhaps I could at least keep her safe until I knew you couldn't hurt her."

I pictured Bella kissing Jacob, and Jacob pushing her to the ground defiling her with his stink. I felt a sob wrench free of my soul. Part of me was wild and crazy with jealousy and betrayal. But part of me saw Jacob's logic. I know he loved her. I know he had wanted her, but I also knew that at least some part of him thought he was acting to keep her safe.

Then suddenly something dawned on me, "You said you hoped that your kiss would turn into more. Are you saying it didn't?"

"She stopped. She said she loved you and couldn't betray you. I argued with her. I told her this would be the best. I begged her to give me some small part of herself that I could take with me, before I locked away her part of my heart. I told her that it was selfish to expect so much from you. I told her to think about what it would do to you if she were hurt. I told her that it was safer to have this last human experience with someone that couldn't cause her death. She considered it for a long time. She never really spoke, but in the end, she gave in. Then she told me to let her go, which I promised to do."

His words blinded me. Fury overcame me. I crouched, a growl ripping from my throat ready to strike and tear Jacob's head from his shoulders. Venom flowed, as adrenalin. Suddenly car headlights lit up the road in front of me. I tensed, then fought to retain control. The car slowed, stopped next to us, and the passenger rolled down the window.

"Is everything ok? Are you broken down? Can we give you guys a ride somewhere," the driver leaned over and asked through the open passengers' window?

"We're fine, we've got help on the way," I answered as politely as I could manage under the circumstances.

"Are you sure," the driver asked? "We would be happy to drop you somewhere."

"No, we're fine. Thank you for stopping," I spoke, anxious for them to leave.

"Ok then. Good luck." And the car rolled past.

"I could kill you right now, Jacob Black. I've walked this earth for more than 80 years, living in a fog. I never wanted for love and I never expected it to find me. Now you've stolen from me the only thing I ever wanted. If not for my family, I would leave you bloody and destroyed on the side of this road."

"What are you talking about? You've won! You have her! She may love me, but she cannot live without you." Jacob screamed, quivering slightly and undeterred by the threat.

"You have defiled her, you dog. You convinced her to..."

"If she's somehow damaged-goods to you, then walk away.."

"Don't you dare speak of Bella as...!"

"Look Edward, if you can't get past this, then walk away. I promised to let her go, but I _will_ be there for her if she needs me. I know what it will be like for her. I was there last time. It will be months of looking into her almost dead eyes, and watching her clutch her arms around her middle to keep herself together, only breathing enough to function. But eventually, I will be able to get her to smile again. I know part of her loves me. I can live with being second choice."

"You stay away from Bella!" I swallowed feeling the guilt of knowing what I had already done to her.

"You said you would fight for her, but at the first sign of trouble, you cave? What has she forgiven? You don't deserve her! What did she give me? An afternoon? And why? Out of pity - compassion? I would forgive her anything! I would give anything, give up anything to have her in my life! What did she offer you? Her life, her soul, to give up her very humanity, her family, her friends - everyone she has known in this life. So, go, you've got every right to feel betrayed. Leave. I'll take it from here."

A wave of self-loathing crashed over my head as Jacob's word struck my heart. I didn't deserve her. I was asking entirely too much of her, to be a part of my life. But what choice did I have? I couldn't live without her. She couldn't live without me. But could we get past this? Could I?

Again, flashes of Bella slipped through Jacob's defenses. I could see her struggling with a decision. I could see her telling Jacob good bye. "_Be Happy_," she said. Then silence again.

"Stop hiding your thoughts from me, mongrel!" I roared out of frustration. "I need to see. I need to know!"

"No. Get your own memories!" He taunted. "These are mine, it's all that I have left of her, and I won't share it with you or anyone else."

"She'll be fodder for pack gossip, the minute you phase," I accused.

"No, she won't. I won't share this with my brothers any more than I will share it with you. This will have to sustain me for a lifetime, unless you're too foolish to forgive her. Now get out of my head. Go talk to Bella. I've got nothing more to say to you leech, and no desire to make this any easier for you."

Just then, I heard Bella's truck pull up behind me. I turned to look. She got out and ran toward us, stumbling and almost falling . I felt a sudden desire to rush to her and catch her.

"Edward?" she said as she stopped in front of me, her eyes puffy and her face streaked from crying.

"Edward. Please forgive me," she pled, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She took a step toward me, then froze, afraid to come any closer, afraid of rejection. She stood vulnerable, and sobbing on the cold dark road, looking for any sign of forgiveness from me. I couldn't speak yet. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm finished," then more softly, Jacob added, "Bye Bella, call me if you need me. I'll be in town for four more days, after that, I'm not sure." And with that, Jacob was in his car. He turned around, his headlights flashing past us, and he was gone.

Bella's POV

"Edward, Please look at me," I cried. His eyes wouldn't meet mine. "Please, forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. Edward, talk to me. Tell me to leave, to die, scream at me, but please say something!"

Another car drove by, then hesitated, not sure if he should stop, then sped down the road.

"Bella, we need to get off the road. That man's going to call the Sheriff and send some sort of roadside assistance. I'll follow you back to Charlie's. I need a few minutes to think." Then Edward walked back toward his car, got in and turned it around waiting for me to do the same.

The ride back was torturous. I wasn't sure what he knew. I didn't know what Jacob had said to him, or what he was feeling. I would have done almost anything to take this hurt from him. I shook from knowing that this could be the last time I would ever see Edward. I wrapped my free arm around my middle, and tried to breathe.

I pulled up in front of Charlie's and jumped out of my truck. Edward pulled up and parked. That was a good sign. Finally, after a long hesitation, his door opened and he stepped out. I walked to him. "Edward, please come in and talk to me. Just, let's talk, and if you never want to see me again after this, I'll understand."

Edward took a step toward me, and I backed up to give him room to walk toward the house, but he didn't move toward the house. He stepped closer to me again, then reached out for my hand and pulled me into his arms. I joyously wrapped my arms around his cool chest, breathing in his intoxicating smell, and sobbing. Wracking sobs shook my entire body as Edward smoothed my hair and kissed my head. Without speaking, he led me toward the house. He still hadn't spoken, so I wasn't sure if this was good bye, but at least he let me touch him. That would be enough for now. I pushed any thoughts of separation out of my mind.

We walked in the house then up to my room. I smoothed the blankets on my bed giving us a place to sit. Edward choose the chair, so I sat on my bed. I waited for a few moments waiting for some emotion to cross his face, but I saw only stony numbness there.

Finally, "Edward, can you ever forgive me? What can I say, what can I do. I'll do anything, just tell me." I could feel tears squeezing out of my eyes.

"Bella? Do you love him?" He asked softly. His eyes wouldn't meet mine.

"Jacob is my past. I love him, but I've let him go. Edward, even if you leave me, Jacob will not be my future. When I left him at Billy's I closed that part of my heart forever. Jacob has been a good friend to me, he helped me through some dark, dark days and I will be forever grateful. You are my soul mate, now and forever. What I feel for you is larger than love. It's larger than this life. You are my existence, whatever happens - whatever you decide, you are my life."

"He wouldn't let me see into his mind. He said you never said 'yes', did he force you," Edward asked, still not looking me in the eyes?

"No, Edward. I'm sorry, that must hurt you, but I don't want to keep anything from you. I know it will be hard to understand, but I had the chance to give Jacob some peace of mind, some way to let go and have a shot at a normal healthy future. I owed him."

"Is that all it meant for you? Bella, I can't believe it was such a trivial decision for you. It was six days before our _wedding_. You were to be my wife. Did you really just impulsively trade away your virtue to keep Jacob Black from being sad?"

I flinched as he spoke the words, '_were_ to be my wife'. Then it was over. He had decided. All I could do now was to help him understand.

"What is trading away my virtue next to trading away my life? I gave you my heart. I'm ready to give you my soul, my mortality. I'm walking away from my family, my friends. What else did I have to give? When and if you allow me to leave this life and become immortal, I will leave a trail of broken hearted people behind: Charlie, Renee, and Jacob. It was a chance for me to leave one person undamaged by my pursuit of happiness. Trivial? How is _any_ of this trivial? But that's not all,... I ...I don't know Edward," I just couldn't bring myself to finish.

"What Bella? Finish. I need to hear it all."

"Edward. You've finished medical school twice. What can happen to a woman the first time she makes love?" His face went somehow paler. "Had you thought about that? I hadn't until Jacob expressed his concerns. I began to feel very selfish for my one little demand. I had never really stopped to think of how hard it would be for you: The smell of my particularly sweetly singing blood running excitedly through my veins- especially in that intimate closeness, the possibility of fresh blood flowing, and heightened emotions and desires. What if you couldn't control yourself, what if I couldn't, what would you do to yourself if you hurt me? Was it even fair to ask you _try_? Was it fair to ask your first time to be in a situation in which you had to feel so constrained? So careful? I felt so selfish and ashamed. But I couldn't give up the idea of wanting to have that experience at least once as a human. Rosalie's caution has always stuck in my mind, what would I be giving up? Would I have an eternity to wonder and regret?"

"Bella, I had thought of all of those things. I was prepared. I only promised to _try_, but I would never have hurt you. I know my limits."

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm so sorry." I watched his face as he tried to process all that I had told him. A minute passed. Two.

"Why didn't you talk to me about this, Bella? Why is this a conversation you could have with Jacob Black and not with me?" Edward asked, still looking at his feet.

"Because you would never believe that you were _so_ worth the price for me. Every time you've ever had any sense that I would have to make sacrifices to spend my life with you, you've begun questioning whether or not it was fair to let me into your life, to give up my humanity. I couldn't risk you questioning letting me become a part of your life again. I couldn't lose you again. It always seemed reasonable to you for you to sacrifice, but any mention of the things I might grieve over or have to give up to be with you always seemed like an unreasonable price to you. It's like you don't feel that your worth the sacrifice. But you are, to me. You are worth any sacrifice."


	8. Chapter 8 Forgiveness

**Chapter 8 - Forgiveness**

"Edward, _Can_ _you_ forgive me?" This time I got up and walked to him, knelt in front of him, took his icy hands in mine and looked up into his beautiful face, knowing that it could be one of the last times I would be this close. I inhaled deeply, and tried to fight back the tears. "Can you, Edward? Can you forgive me?"

His beautiful topaz eyes came up and met mine. He let go of my hands then reached toward me and pulled me onto his lap and buried his face into my neck, into my chest.

"Bella, forgive you? I've already forgiven you. You are my reason for living. How can I forgive myself? How can I ask you to forgive me? I let this happen. I walked out on your life, causing damage that I cannot undo. I pushed you into the arms of Jacob Black. I made it necessary for you to need someone else in your life, to repair the damage I inflicted. I've allowed my own insecurities to get in the way of allowing you to speak your desires, your fears, your despair. I've allowed you to fear that I will walk out of your life again. I won't let you go, Bella. I won't begrudge you this one human experience. I can live with it. I would have liked to have been the man to make love to you for the first time, but I will be the man you can make love to for many centuries to come. This thing with Jacob will be like the blink of an eye, immeasurable next to the happiness that I promise to give you, if you will still have me? Bella, can _you_ forgive me?

"Oh Edward", I reached down and caressed his smooth pale chin then pulled his face up to look into his eyes. "There is nothing to forgive. I love you." My lips came up and gently brushed against his. His arms came around me and he pulled me closer to him. We kissed, then Edward picked me up in his arms and carried me to my bed and laid me down on it, then laid down next to me. He ran his fingers over my chin, my lips, along my jaw, along the line of my neck. We lay together touching each other, holding each other and healing fresh wounds.

"Bella, I think we need to have a discussion about our Honeymoon plans." Edward finally spoke.

"Ok. I was thinking, perhaps I could be persuaded to renegotiate my only demand, if you could be persuaded to allow me choose my wedding gift." I proceeded cautiously.

"Gifts? I'm allowed to give you gifts, now? Well, I'm intrigued. Ok, my love, what did you have in mind," Edward teased.

"How about immortality," I asked.

"Bella, hasn't this whole incident proven that there are still human experiences that you need to have? Are you sure, Bella? We have time."

"No. I'm ready. There are no human experiences left that hold any value for me, whatsoever. Edward, it's like I tried to tell you before. I know what I want. I want to begin my life with you. I want to love you, to kiss you so deeply that my toes curl, to sparkle in the sunshine, to look forward to spending every single moment with you without missing a second to have to sleep or eat or anything else that has to remove you momentarily from my sight. I'm ready. " I looked into his eyes pleadingly. "Please, Edward."

"And your part of this compromise" he asked?

"I'm willing to renegotiate our honeymoon. I'm willing to put it off until after I'm 'less breakable.' "

For a second, there was a twinge of pain in his eye, then he asked, "Is this because of Jacob?"

"No Edward. I want to wait because I was thoughtless and selfish when I made my demand, and I'm ready to be reasonable. I want you. I want to make love with you more than you could ever imagine. But when it happens, I want all of you. I want it to be the beginning of a new life for us, and not at the tail end of an old one. I want the memories of that experience to be immortal memories - memories that are carved into my soul, not human memories that will lose their color and fade into the distant past."

"Ok. You're right, of course. I'll talk to the family in the morning. We've got to make some plans to leave right after the wedding and find a safe place for your change. After the change, we'll come back and pack the house - well, you probably won't - but some of us will."

"Where will we go," I asked?

"I'm not sure. I know you wanted to make the change here in Forks, but I don't think it's a good idea, the pack may see it as a break in our treaty," Edward explained.

I thought about what Jacob had told me on the grassy cliff over the sea. He told me he would talk to the pack, if I agreed to put off our honeymoon until after my change. However, suddenly, it didn't matter to me where I was. If I was with Edward, I was home.

"Wherever you think we'll be safe. Surprise me. I'm ready to go, though I may want to come back and visit this place again and run through these emerald forests beside you and bask in the sun and sparkle in our meadow."

"Your wish is my every desire, my love. Now, it's getting really late, and your eyes are very droopy." Edward kissed each of my eyelids, then I suddenly remembered:

"Alice! I need to speak with Alice. She called earlier, and she's so worried." I interrupted.

"Bella, I'm sure Alice already knows that everything is ok. She's probably back to work on the wedding plans as we speak. There will be time for you to decide what or how much you want to talk with her about later." And with that he smiled his crooked smile, the one that made my numbered heartbeats jump irregularly.

Edward then stood up and pulled off my shoes. He picked me up, pulled back the covers of my bed and placed me gently between my sheets and tucked me in. He then laid back down next to me, his cool muscled chest still sending shivers of joy down my spine even through the sheets.

"Now, it's nearly 4:30 in the morning and you look exhausted. It's time for the human to get some sleep. I don't think we'll be interrupted by any more unpleasant nightmares, but even if we are, I will be here to keep you safe. Renee will be here tomorrow morning and will be requiring lots of attention and I will need to spend some time with my family, Alice in particular. So, Goodnight Bella. I love you."

"Good night Edward. I love you, though I don't deserve you. Thank you for loving me."

And with that he kissed me gently, "Sweet Dreams, my love" and he hummed my beautiful lullaby and I drifted off into a perfect sleep.


	9. Chapter 9 The Next Morning

**The Characters are the property of and strictly from the imagination of Stephenie Meyer. **

_Note: Though this story doesn't have a huge number of review, I have received many PM's and other requests to continue the story. Thanks for your encouragement and for waiting so long for an update. And a huge thanks to Shabbyapple from Twilight Mom's who generously agreed to beta for me. I really don't think these next five chapters could have been written without her gently nudging me through the writer's blocks. _

**Chapter 9 - The Next Morning **

EPOV

I watched Bella's dream-filled slumber and thought about the events of the last few hours. As Bella began to sleep-talk, my mind tensed as I waited to hear the same painful words from her dream last night, _"Jacob, come, make love to me once..._." But she never spoke those words again, and I began to relax. I loved watching Bella sleep. I loved the way her hands curled into loose little fists under her chin. I loved how her eyes twitched when she dreamed and how her face became peaceful and childlike. None of that, however, compared to those moments when she spoke my name in her sleep. Her voice always quiet, ethereal and breathy. Just the thought of her uttering my name in her sleep sent chills through me. She had spoken my name first this morning with a flash of fear across her face, then with only love and peace apparent in her features: "Edward." It was hard not to reach out and touch her as she slept, so still and beautiful. Though she was deeply asleep now, all I wanted was to pick her up and pull her into my arms. Just a few more days, and watching her sleep will only be a memory for me. Bittersweet. I will miss watching her sleep.

I shuttered as I thought about how close I had come to losing it all last night. I had come so close to letting my anger and my hurt push me past the point of return. But now I blamed only myself for sending Bella into Jacob's arms. I had been arrogant, treating her like a child instead of the strong woman she had become. I had tried to protect her and to make decisions which I deemed in her best interest. It was independent thinking - The thought processes of one who had spent an eternity anticipating a solitary life.

I had failed to include Bella and her thoughts in all my planning, in all my considerations of what was best for her. I had not acted as a partner, an equal, a lover -but as a guardian. I felt such shame. I had never allowed her to express her anxieties; to speak of her grief over walking away from her humanity; to grieve over the loss of her friends and her parents and the pain they would endure. I made it difficult for her to express her worries and her anticipation regarding our physical relationship. I left her no options. I knew she believed that if she shared all of her worries with me that I would abandon her again or refuse to make her immortal. I should have been a comfort to her.

In my arrogance, I had allowed myself to believe that I was wiser and more worldly than Bella. In reality, where matters of the heart were concerned, I was no more experienced than she was. I would never assume to know what was best for Bella again without her input. I don't think she understands how deeply and desperately I love her. I only wanted to protect her, to keep any pain from touching her life.

I could hear Alice in my mind, and she was begging me to come home. She had questions. What should I tell her? I wasn't sure I could even think about what had happened between Bella and Jacob. I had forgiven Bella, completely, but could I get past my insecurities? I had worried about something like this happening for so long, worried that she would choose him over me. I had worried that he could give her so much more than I could physically and that she would ultimately choose him. But even after their shared experience, she still told him goodbye. She had still chosen me. Last night, when she found Jacob and me on the side of the road, her only thoughts were of me. She hadn't even glanced at him. She never spoke to him. She had been consumed only with me and whether or not I could forgive her, as if there were anything that I wouldn't forgive her.

I gently arose from my usual place next to Bella, careful not to wake her, and stepped into the hall and dialed Alice.

"Edward, what in the hell is going on!" Alice demanded.

"I'll be home in a little while, and we'll talk then. Don't worry, everything is fine now," I answered.

"What happened?"

"Alice, relax, we'll talk when I get home. Just let me wake Bella, then I'll be home," and I hung up.

I walked back into the room and knelt next to Bella and gently stroked her check. Her features were peaceful and beautiful. Her beautiful brown hair lay askew across her pillow and framed her beautiful face.

"Bella? Bella, my love. I'm sorry, but its time to wake up."

I saw a small smile creep across her face, though her eyes were still closed.

"What time is it?" she asked as she stretched.

"9:30. Sorry to wake you, but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. I have a few arrangements I need to work on today, and of course Alice is anxious for explanations, but I wanted to talk to you before I went home."

Her eyes fluttered open, as concern washed across her face, "Alice," she groaned. " What should we tell her?"

"Tell her nothing, or tell her everything. Tell her whatever you want her to know, my love. It's entirely up to you. I'm not going to tell her anything," I replied as I brushed the hair out of her sleepy eyes.

"So, am I still forgiven," she hesitantly asked?

"Of course. Am I?"

"As if there were anything to forgive. Will you wait while I run and brush my teeth?"

"Of course," I grinned. I knew that meant she wanted to kiss me.

A moment later, she was back, and I pulled her onto my lap and kissed her. "So what did you want to talk to me about," she asked?

"I need to make arrangements for our honeymoon and I want your input. Where would you like to go? What would you like to do and where would you like to go for the change?" I asked.

She looked at me puzzled, "Edward, I told you, I will be happy with whatever you decide. I thought you had things all planned out already."

"Bella, last night I realized that I have made many decisions on your behalf without your input, treating you like you were some weak or lesser person needing my overprotection. But, I'm ready to learn how to be a partner now. I would like you to have your input in every major decision in our lives together, beginning today. In addition, I promise you that I am at peace with your decision to join me for eternity. I will respect your ability to make your own decisions. I'm in this for forever. I promise to try to be a better listener, and I promise not to leave you out of any big decisions ever again."

"Now, I would like to hear your thoughts on where we will be spending our honeymoon and your change."

Suddenly Bella had large lazy tears brimming over her lower lids, obviously touched.

"Thank you Edward. Thank you for loving me and for understanding how much I want to be a part of your life." She sat wiping tears from her eyes for a few moments and considered her answer.

"I would love to spend our wedding night in your home, in our bed, since we will have to leave soon. We can do whatever you wish: play chess, spend time together alone, or with your family, or just watch the dust motes float - as long as I'm with you I will be content and happy. As for where I will make the change, I think you and your family will have a better idea of where that should be. Surprise me, if I'm with you, I will be home."

"I love you, Bella."

"I love you, too, Edward."

I held her quietly for a few more minutes, rubbing her back with the palm of my hand, then said, "I'd better get home before Alice vibrates her way over here. I'll see you later, my love. Enjoy your time with Charlie and Renee today." Then I left small kisses on her neck, working my way around to her throat and up to her warm lips, then headed home to face Alice.

- - -

When I got home, Alice was waiting for me on the porch. I knew it was going to be tough to shake her.

"So, what happened last night," she asked?

"Alice, you're going to have to talk to Bella."

"Why, what did she do?"

"Really Alice, everything is fine. Don't worry. We're not going to cancel the wedding. We're fine, really." I answered evasively.

"I wasn't able to see her the entire last day we were in California, and you looked like you were going to kill Jacob this morning. What happened while we were gone? Did Jacob kiss her again?" Asked Alice, not satisfied with being left in the dark.

"Ok, if I answer this one question, will you just leave it alone?"

"I promise to try," answered Alice.

"Ok, yes, Bella spent some time with Jacob while we were gone, and I didn't like it. We had some things to work out last night, and yes, I was furious, and Bella was scared I would leave her again. But we worked it out and Bella and I are fine now. Jacob is her past. Bella and I are getting married in four days and we still have a lot of work to do."

"Can we move onto a new subject now?" I asked with irritation in my voice.

"You're leaving something out. I need to talk to Bella, when will she be here..."

"Alice! No! Leave her be. She plans on talking to you, but give her some time. Renee is coming today, and she has a lot on her agenda. I mean it Alice, let her come to you when she's ready to talk about it. Please."

"Bella and I have made some changes to our plans and I need your help. She has asked me to move her change up to immediately after the wedding."

"What? But, what about Bella's _demand_? Has she changed her mind?"

"Let's just say that she wants to make it as easy on me as possible. She would like to spend one night here in our room, then leave the next day. She doesn't care where we go. She would just like to give up her humanity as soon as possible. Can we make the move that quick?"

"I know your hiding things from me, and that's not a very nice thing for a brother to do, but I'll let you keep your little secrets for now. I'll see Bella soon enough," Alice finished, finally putting the subject to rest.

Alice continued: " I'm sure we can get everything ready to go within the next three days. Esme has some news about the house in Alaska, I think it's ready. All we need to do is arrange for you and Bella, Carlisle and Esme to fly to Alaska the morning after the wedding. Jasper and I and Emmet and Rosalie will take care of getting the last of this house packed up and shipped and getting the cars we don't drive transported. Then we'll head to Denali for a few weeks to give you guys some privacy until Bella is ready for company. What about your plans to spend the week in Vancouver?"

"We'll go another time," I answered.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I know how much time you spent planning every minute detail, making sure that your honeymoon in Vancouver would be perfect. I know this was important to you. What changed?"

"I just decided that it was time that I started allowing Bella to have a say in all of the major decisions in our life together. I have been making them all, as if she weren't mature enough to have a voice, and that's no way to start a marriage."

"Wow, Edward, very good. I'm impressed. I know that's got to be hard for you. Ok, let get to work." And with that Alice was gone into the house.


	10. Chapter 10 Bella and Alice

**The Characters are the property of and strictly from the imagination of Stephenie Meyer. **

_Thank you again to the Wonderful, Marvelous Shabbyapple from for beta'ing this form me. She is absolutely awesome._

**Chapter 10 - Bella and Alice **

BPOV

The last two days were a blur. I had spent most of my time with Charlie and Renee, hungry to file as much of them away in my memory as I could cram, before I left this life behind me. Renee and I had laughed ourselves silly over old memories, and gossiped like close friends. It always amazed me, how young at heart my mother is. There were so many things she understood about me on such a deep level that most people never saw. For instance, she sensed how much I worried about Charlie, so yesterday, she suggested and orchestrated the most incredible activity for us. She asked if I would drive her to the grocery store, where she bought almost every food imaginable! When we got home, she and I fixed dozens of casseroles and other freezable meals to stock Charlie's freezer with. When he came home from work, I could see how much the effort meant to him, though I knew he was a little worried about how creative Renee had gotten with her recipes. It was a perfect afternoon, allowing both Renee and to do something nice for Charlie while spending some close quality mother-daughter time together.

I knew both Renee and Charlie weren't thrilled that I was getting married so early, but I think they had come to terms with it. I knew they could both see how much Edward and I loved each other, and that even our rare and short separations from each other were painful for us. We had spent a few hours at the Cullen home last night, to give the families a chance to get to know each other. It had been a pleasant evening. I think it helped Charlie and Renee prepare themselves to let me go, knowing that I would be in good hands with Edward and his family. Still, occasionally I saw a look of intense scrutiny cross Renee's features, which I realized was just her typical perceptiveness trying to figure out what didn't feel quite right about the Cullens. I could tell she truly liked Edward, which meant the world to me. Charlie was coming around, too. They had had several amiable conversations in the past two days in which Charlie didn't even seem to be forcing himself to be polite. Progress!

Edward and I had barely seen each other over the last few days, though we talked often by phone. However, each night he had come to tuck me into bed after my parents had gone to sleep and spent the night holding me close. During the days he was working on tying up loose ends and packing, getting ready to leave Forks the day after our wedding, while I had been tied up spending time with Charlie and Renee. I hadn't seen Alice for a few days either, though I did talk with her on the phone several times to go over details about the wedding. I sensed that she was really anxious to talk to me about what had happened between Jacob and me, but to her credit, she didn't press me. Then this morning she called and asked if I could come over for a few hours to talk about some last minute details. Charlie and Renee decided to go for a drive and revisit some old friends and some old favorite places and would meet me back at Charlie's later tonight. So I jumped in my truck, and headed over to meet with Alice, still wondering what I would say to her.

She was waiting on the porch before I was even in sight of the house, and bounded down the steps and to my door before the truck even came to a stop.

"Good Morning. What took you so long?"

"Human, remember?" I replied with a smile.

"Not for long. Hurry come in the house, we have lots to work on. Everyone else went out to hunt, and will be back in a few hours, so we don't have much time before Edward is here distracting you!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the house.

"Alice! Ok, I'm coming!"

I had to admit, Alice was really making an effort to involve me in the planning as much as she could bear. Once we got into her room, she had tons for me to decide on. First there was the music for the prelude and the reception. She had piles of music for me to choose from. Of course, Edward had already made suggestions, so I was willing to allow his decisions stand, but Alice wanted to make sure I liked them. So, I dutifully listened, while Alice played short snippets of music for me. In the end, we settled on Edward's play list with the addition of a few of Edward's original compositions.

Satisfied with my participation, thus far, Alice moved to the next item on her agenda: my hair!

She had several pictures from bridal magazines of possible hair styles for me. The number of choices was overwhelming.

"I don't know, Alice, what did brides do with their hair in 1918? I mean, since the dress is vintage, should my hair be worn vintage, as well?"

"Silly Bella, there is a difference between vintage and out of style. In 1918, brides were starting to wear their hair short, or they wore large brimmed hats. Can you imagine Edward's reaction if I cut your hair off? The dress is modern, with vintage lace and design elements that are reminiscent of the Edwardian era. So, your hair should also be in something in step with today's fashion, but with maybe a hint of days gone-by,"

"I don't know, just pick something, Alice," I sighed exasperated.

"Come on Bella, play nice. This is _your_ wedding," Alice whined. "How would you feel about wearing it up in loose curls on top, then leaving a few wisps down around your face, like this?" Alice dug through the magazine pictures until she found the perfect picture. Actually, I really liked it and so we agreed.

"Ok Great! Now, one last item, and don't get mad at me. I saw what you planned on wearing for your wedding night, and Bella, are you kidding?" Alice looked at me like I had grown a third eye.

"I'm just trying to make things easier for Edward. Edward and I have decided to wait until after the change to, uh..."

"I know," Alice said. "Edward told me."

"He did?" I asked.

"Yes, and why is that Bella? I mean you've been trying to weaken Edward's resolve for months now. Why all of a sudden, are you willing to wait? I mean, wasn't there some question of wanting this human experience before your change?"

I wasn't exactly trying to be evasive. I just didn't know how much I wanted to share with Alice yet. "I just finally realized how selfish I was being with my demands. I mean, Edward has pleaded with me many times to be patient and wait, worried that he could really hurt me. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own desire before that I never really considered how hard this could be on him. So, I finally agreed to wait."

"And what brought on this sudden realization," she asked skeptically?

I didn't answer. I was trying to figure out how to answer Alice when she added: "And what does this have to do with Jacob Black?"

"Alice, I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about this yet."

"Edward asked me not to bother you about this, and I've really tried to be good. But Bella, if you could have seen what he was planning to do to Jacob that night. If you could have seen his rage and his pain... I'm trying to understand." She paused for a moment then asked: " Bella, did you kiss Jacob?"

"Are you asking me as my best friend, or as Edward's overly nosey and protective little sister?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood a little but hoping for some clue as to how to proceed with this conversation.

"Both. I love Edward, and it's hard to see him hurt, but you're my best friend. I would just like to understand. Talk to me Bella. I promise _not_ to make a snack of you."

"Yes, I kissed Jacob," I answered.

"And was it Jacob that helped you come to the decision to postpone your wedding night until after your change?" Alice asked.

"Yes, and no." I waited for Alice to say something, but she just sat quietly waiting for me to continue.

"Ok, the last day you were in California, Jacob called me from some pay phone. He didn't have any real idea of where he was, or how long he'd been gone. He just said he needed to see me to say goodbye. So, I arranged to meet him. I picked up a change of clothes for him and some food and headed to First Beach to see him."

"I wasn't sure how Edward would feel about me spending a last day with Jacob, but I was pretty sure he would understand... eventually. But this was something I needed to do. I'm ready to give up this life, I really am, but I have felt a lot of guilt about the pain it will cost the few people I leave behind. I can't imagine what this will feel like to Charlie and Renee...and Jacob. I could never talk to Edward about this, since he already feels like he's stealing my soul. I've been afraid if I tell him how badly I feel about leaving the people I care about behind, that he will decide not to allow me to change, or worse, to walk away from me again to protect me. I saw this as a chance to help ease Jacob's pain. So I went."

"When I first saw him, I was stunned. He looked awful. He had been running - you know, as a wolf - for more than two weeks. He didn't really know where he had been and had no idea how long he'd been gone. I can't even imagine, what he'd been living off of or where he had slept. I gave him his change of clothes and told him to go and clean up, then we ate lunch."

"After our lunch at First Beach, we went for a drive, and ended up down the coast on a little cliff over the ocean. We talked about little stuff at first, then he started asking questions about the wedding, the honeymoon, and my upcoming change. He asked me questions and made me think about things that I hadn't really thought about before, like how difficult my little demand would be on Edward, and how potentially dangerous it could be. I could tell he was really worried about my safety. He pressed me to wait until after the change. He kept asking why it was so important to get married and have our honeymoon before the change. I kept telling him it was none of his business, but the truth is, it was stuff I really needed to think about."

"Bella, didn't you and Edward ever talk about these things?" She asked quietly.

"Not in much detail. You know Edward never discusses things that make it hard for him to be around me: like, controlling his desire to taste my blood, or how hard it is for him physically to resist kissing me deeply when I push the issue. He would never want me to feel bad. So, all he's said is 'be reasonable' or 'when your less fragile'. It's just like me not wanting to discuss things with him that will make him feel bad about taking my humanity: Like how bad I feel about those I will have to leave behind. Until recently, we haven't been very good at discussing things that might be hard for each other to hear."

"So what happened between you and Jacob?" Alice prodded.

"Alice, you do know that I loved him, right? I mean, Edward is my soul-mate, and I love him more than life, for me there was never a choice. But I did love Jacob, too." I finished.

"Yes."

"I spent that entire afternoon with Jacob. He was hurting and desperately wanted to move on with his life, and I wanted that for him. I did what I could to lessen his pain. When I left Jacob that day, I closed that part of my heart forever. He is now very much my past and I am his. He promised that he would let me go, and that he would move on."

"I'm not sure what this has to do with you and Edward changing your honeymoon plans, unless that particular human experience is no longer an issue?" Alice was always so perceptive.

"Alice, will you understand if I don't want to talk about this today? I will tell you that Edward knows everything. He and I talked about all of our issues, and he forgave me, for which I will always be grateful. I want to talk to you about this. I don't want to hide anything from you, but not today. Today I want to focus on the wedding tomorrow, on Edward, and our families, and the rest of our future. Jacob Black is my past."

"Thanks for telling me that much. I think I understand. I hope you know that I am your friend, and that you can talk to me about this when you're ready."

"Thanks, Alice. I know." I stood up and walked over to her and gave her a hug.

"Now, what about my pj's?" I asked.

"Well, seriously Bella, flannel? Regardless of what you guys plan on doing that night, flannel is not appropriate for your wedding night."

"Edward likes my flannel pj's, and they're warm and I want to sleep beside him without him feeling like he has wrap blankets between us to keep me warm. I want to be as close to him as I can. Besides I don't want to tempt him to do something he isn't prepared to do."

"That's the thing Bella, I think he is prepared. It's ironic that you have decided now that you can wait, when I think he's been mentally preparing for this for a long time. Anyway, at least agree to change that ratty, baggy T-shirt for a tight sexy tank top."

"Fine, Alice. You win. What did you have in mind?" I reluctantly gave in.

Instantly Alice was on her feet and ran to the closet and pulled out a big bag full of sleep wear. "Ok. Here are your choices." She pulled out a several blue outfits, all small, tight and sexy and one flannel pair of pajama pants with a matching tank. She must have known she would lose this battle, or she wouldn't have bought the flannel set and given me the choice.

In the end I chose her least favorite. A new pair of low-cut flannel bottoms with a matching tight low cut tank. It was a compromise, but I think Alice still saw it as a loss.

"Bella, Edward will be walking in the front door in about 20 seconds."

"Thanks, Alice." I jumped up, kissed her on the cheek, and ran out of her room and down the stairs. By the time I reached the bottom landing, Edward was already there, pulling me into his arms. He gently brushed his hand across my jaw, lifting my chin so that he could shower me with kisses.

"Oh how I've missed you!" he said, then kissed me hungrily. "I didn't think I would get to see you until tomorrow when I finally get to make you mine."

"I've missed you, too!" I managed between kisses.

"Well, I hope this moment tides you both over," Alice sang. "Because Bella was just leaving. Go on Bella, back to Charlie's, and Edward will not be joining you tonight. Tradition. Even overly anxious and protective grooms are not allowed to see their brides before the wedding."

"Come on Alice, just a few more minutes," I pleaded.

"Scoot!" And with that, Alice pulled me out of Edward's arms and pulled me toward my truck. I could hear Edward chuckling behind me. "Until tomorrow, my love."


	11. Chapter 11 Wedding Night

**The Characters are the property of and strictly from the imagination of Stephenie Meyer. **

_Thank you to Shabbyapple from for reading and re-reading these chapters, contributing ideas, and making the whole thing better. If anyone needs a great beta...give her a call, she's fabulous. _

**Chapter 11 - The Wedding night**

BPOV

I stood wrapped in Edward's arms as I watched Charlie and Renee drive away. They were the last guests to leave. He reached down and kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "Are you all right, my love?"

"I'm perfect" I answered. "Are we alone, at last?"

"Not quite!" yelled Alice from across the lawn.

Edward and I laughed as we walked across the lawn to where Alice and Jasper were cleaning up the last of the wedding decorations.

"Alice, thanks so much for everything. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank you enough for planning this beautiful day for us. It was beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Thank you." And I kissed her on the cheek.

"I agree. It was absolutely perfect," added Edward.

"My pleasure! Wait until you see what I have planned for the next one!" We all laughed as Alice and Jasper went back to cleaning up.

It truly had been a perfect day, a wedding out of every little girl's dreams. Alice had transformed the Cullen house into the perfect setting for the wedding. I was pleased to see that Alice had pared the wedding guest list down so that just our good friends and family were there to share in our joy. The ceremony was intimate and heartfelt. Edward was incredibly handsome and I found that as I stood exchanging vows with him that all of my previous misgivings about marrying young evaporated into thin air. We pledged our love and commitment to each other, he looked deeply into my eyes, then he kissed me for the first time as his wife. It was a perfect day.

"My love, you look exhausted. Why don't you go up to our room and relax for a few minutes? I've left something for you on the bed. I need to speak to Carlisle and Esme for a few minutes about our plans for tomorrow, that should give you a few minutes of peace and quiet. I'll be up in just a few minutes." Edward caressed my cheek and kissed me gently.

"Ok. I would like to get out of these shoes. Don't be long."

Edward walked me up to the front door with his hand resting gently on my waist, then opened the door for me and kissed me again on the cheek before I headed up the stairs. I was a little surprised to see that the house was nearly back to normal again, with most of the wedding decorations already taken down and put away. 'Married', I thought. I couldn't believe that Edward and I were finally married.

I climbed the stairs, and walked into Edward's room, quietly closed the door behind me. I would miss this beautiful room with the golden carpet, the incredible wrought iron bed, and the beautiful big windows. I felt a tinge of excitement as I noticed the empty wall where all of Edward's music had been shelved. Edward's music, along with most of our clothing and books were already packed for the move. Today Edward and I were joined in marriage. Tomorrow we would fly to our new home in Alaska where I would join him in immortality.

I walked over to the bed and found a box about the size of a large binder. On top of the box, were a long stemmed rose, and a note with my name on it in Edward's beautiful script. I smiled at the thoughtfulness of my husband, as I kicked my shoes off, and sat down on the bed next to the box. I opened the note and read:

_My Dearest Bella,_

_What kind of wedding gift could I possible bequeath to the woman who will soon have everything, as I intend to eternally shower her with every single desire of her heart? By the time you are reading this, I have bound my heart to yours, and have thus been given the most precious gift I have ever imagined. My beautiful wife, my heart is overflowing with joy as I even contemplate this most perfect gift: You as my wife! I know that I will never understand how I was fortunate enough to find you, and that I will never be worthy enough for your love, but I promise to spend every day of forever loving you. _

_So today, I chose to give you a few things that are reflective of my love for you. Open your box, my beloved._

I opened the box and pulled back the tissue paper, and there sat an elegantly leather bound journal with my name embossed in Gold along the bottom edge: Bella Masen Cullen. I picked it up and opened it. Inside it was inscribed, _"To my beautiful wife Bella on our wedding day. May you fill these pages with memories of our life together. With all of my love, Forever, Edward."_

I went back to my letter:

_My Bella, you have such a deep and thoughtful soul. I hope that you will fill the pages of this journal with all of your thoughts and insights. This is a gift for your future. I hope that someday, when its pages are full and the leather cover is softened and smooth with age, that you will be able to peruse its contents and recall warm memories of our joyous life together. _

_Beneath the tissue is another gift, my love. _

I pulled back the tissue and found a large envelope. I opened it and let its contents spill out onto the bed. The first was an old 8 x 10 photograph. It was encased in a formal looking black card-like frame. It was stiff and sepia toned and cracked on the edges with age. I looked carefully at the subject in the picture and found my Edward looking back at me. His eyes were different and his features were slightly softer, but his careless messy hair was the same. His stance was formal with one hand in his pocket and the other close at his side, appropriate for the era, but he still wore his crooked grin. The back of the photo had one inscription in beautiful script: "Edward Masen, May, 1917"

Also on the bed lay several sheets of handwritten sheet music wrapped in a satin red ribbon. The music was entitled: "The Meadow, For my Love, by Edward Masen Cullen"

The last gift was a CD, in a clear case. I returned to Edward's letter.

_Inside the envelope you will find gifts representative of our past. The picture is the last one taken of me before my death. The photographer was very disturbed that I couldn't keep a straight face, as was the custom for formal portraiture of that era, but this photo was one of my mother's favorites. Not only does it represent my past in the literal sense, as a physical recording of who I was in my mortal life, it also represents my existence before you entered my life. Notice the lack of color and sharp definition. Prior to loving you, my existence was lonely, and without luster. Your love and belief in me brought me hope and desire and a new found love of life. Your love has infused my life with new color, focus, and savor long since absent from my life._

_The CD contains pictures of our life here: our families, friends, places we love, and most importantly - pictures of our meadow. Although my computer is already packed for our move, I hope this is something that we can watch together when we get settled in Alaska. I hope that it will serve as a comfort and a reminder of this beautiful place where we fell in love and began our life together. The sheet music is of the music I wrote for the CD. It is inspired by you, my love._

_My final gift to you, and the most precious to me, is embossed on the cover of your journal. It is my gift to you this day, my beautiful wife. I give you my name, along with my heart: Masen, a name given to me in love by the parents who gave me life, and Cullen, given to me by the Father who gave me my immortal existence which allowed me to find my true soul-mate. These gifts are precious to me, and I now share them with you - for I am nothing without you. _

_Eternally Yours,_

_Edward_

I wiped the tears from my eyes, as I quickly reread Edward's beautiful letter. Then I ran my hands over each of his thoughtful gifts as I placed them back in the box. I wondered if he would ever know how much I loved the sound of his most precious gift: Bella Masen Cullen.

Just then I felt two strong cool arms close around my waist as Edward's sweet breath whispered in my ear, "So, do you like your gifts?"

"Edward! My gifts are beautiful, and so thoughtful. Thank you for the beautiful letter. I will treasure it always, as I will my new name." I stood up and turned to face him and reached up to kiss him softly on his lips.

"So how was your talk with Carlisle and Esme?" I asked.

"Good. We'll be leaving here about 7:30 in the morning and driving to Seattle to catch a chartered flight to Anchorage. From there we'll pick up a jeep and drive a few hours to the new house. It's an old hunting lodge, so it's already furnished and ready for our arrival, though I'm sure Esme will do a fair amount of redecorating over the next few months. Are you sure you are ready, Bella?"

"More ready than you could possibly imagine," I assured him. I looked into his eyes conveying as much confidence as possible. I was ready to make the change. I was ready to seal my life to his in immortality.

"Would you mind unbuttoning this dress for me? I'm ready to get into something more comfortable."

"Certainly," he replied. I turned around to give him access to the long line of covered buttons that ran down the back of my down from my neck to the small of my back. I felt Edward's cool hands brush briefly against my skin as he began working the buttons loose. He paused briefly after a few buttons to softly kiss the back of my neck. I shivered with delight as I felt his cool breath against my skin.

When he was finished, he turned me around and looked into my eyes. "There you go. Go change. I'll be here waiting for you." The look of adoration and desire on his face left me speechless. I felt my face blush as I turned and walked toward the bathroom to change.


	12. Chapter 12 Try

**The Characters are the property of and strictly from the imagination of Stephenie Meyer. **

_Thank you to Shabbyapple from for reading and re-reading these chapters, contributing ideas, and making the whole thing better. If anyone needs a great beta...give her a call, she's fabulous. _

**Chapter 12 - Try**

BPOV

I stared into the mirror in Edward's bathroom. My face was scrubbed clean, my teeth brushed, and my hair was down around my shoulders. My beautiful wedding dress was hung neatly in its bag on the hook on the back of the bathroom door. I turned to look at my new dark-blue pajama pants and matching low-cut tank, again, not exactly typical sleep wear for a wedding night. Alice had helped me pick out a beautiful blue neglige, but I was saving it for another night. Tonight, I wanted to make things as easy on Edward as possible. I thought about all that I had wanted this night to be, and my heart began to race. I stalled another few moments, trying to slow my breathing and my pulse. This was wiser, I told myself. It would be easier for Edward. He wouldn't have to fight his desire along with his blood lust. Just a few more days, and we would be together in every way possible - as equals. I could wait. I took a deep breath, turned off the lights and exited the bathroom.

The minute I saw Edward, I held my breath. He was standing at the foot of the bed in dark silk pajama pants, which sat low on his hips, hanging loosely but leaving little to the imagination. His bare chest and abdomen, perfectly sculpted marble. I caught his eye, then watched as his eyes washed over me. He ran his hands through his hair then he launched himself toward me, pinning me against the wall next to the bathroom. He had both hand pressed against the wall on either side of my face. He hesitated just for an instant as his eyes smoldered and burned through me. I felt his cool breath on me and my mind went hazy, then his lips were on mine, cool and passionate. I responded without caution and my arms flew up and wrapped around his cool body. I felt the smooth sculpted muscles shiver at my touch, and in my excitement tried to force more from his kisses. He pressed his hips into mine, and moved his kisses to my neck. An involuntary groan escaped my lips. _Did I miss something_?

"Edward...?"

"Yes, my love...?" as he continued to kiss my neck, my throat, my lips. His right hand came down and ran his hand down my side and around the back of my waist pulling me closer.

"What happened to my cautious, careful, sensible vampire?"

"Hmmm..." he said with that crooked smile. He then picked me up into his arms and carried me to our large golden bed, where he pulled back the covers with one hand and laid me gently down.

"Don't get me wrong. I like this new Edward. But, I thought I told you that I was willing to be _'reasonable'_, I was willing to wait until after the change."

"My love, I'm not sure _I_ want to wait anymore. I'm not sure I _can_ wait. I've spent months thinking about this, and I promise I will stop if I think we are in any danger of me losing control. I just have to feel your warmth against me tonight. I'm not sure what will happen, or what can happen, but I desperately need to feel your delicious skin against mine, feel your heart race and your breath quicken - before..."

Again, I felt my pulse quicken and saw a little smile creep across Edward's face that told me that he heard it, too. Then he looked toward the bedroom door and said, "Tell everyone thank you, Alice."

"Alice? What did I miss," I asked as I sat up?

"My family decided to go out for a few hours and give us a little privacy"

"Oh," I felt my face redden. Everyone in the house knew we had planned to postpone our wedding night until after the change, so they had intended on spending a quiet night at home with us. Thanks to their sensitive vampire hearing, they all knew what was now happening in our room. Would I ever get used to the lack of privacy in this family?

"So, where were we," I asked, trying to sound casual?

With that Edward smiled and climbed into our bed with me and pulled me into his lap. I leaned against him, as he kissed my hair, then my neck and ran his lips gently across my ear lobes, sending shivers, once again, through me. His beautiful, sensitive hands began to take stock of me in a way he had never allowed before. I shivered in anticipation under his gentle touch. His touch was almost reverent, exploring every new inch of me as if committing it to memory.

The feel of Edward's bare skin against mine was exhilarating. It was a hard and smooth as perfectly polished granite, but could also be soft. It reminded me of a compound that my third grade class made when I was young. A compound made of cornstarch and water. You could pound against this substance with all of your might, and it resisted like stone. However, if you pressed it lightly with your fingertip, it would give away and allow you to penetrate it like soft butter. Edward's skin was kind of like that, not that it gave like butter, but it was somewhat forgiving when caressed lightly. I absorbed myself in feeling his smooth skin under the light touch of my tracing fingers.

"Nice pajamas, Bella," he smiled.

"What's wrong with my Pj's? They're comfortable, and blue- your favorite color - and they're warm," I said teasing. Then more seriously, "I just didn't want to make things harder on you, I probably would have worn something different if I had known what we might be doing tonight. I guess I should have listened to Alice when she suggested I wear something a little more sexy."

He turned my body slightly toward him and placed his hand under my chin pulling my face toward him so that I could look into his eyes. "My beautiful wife, you have never been more exquisitely beautiful and desirable than you are at this moment."

We were still and quiet for just a moment.

"Wife. I think I can get used to that. Bella Cullen... Bella _Masen_ Cullen...," I said testing the sound of my new name. "Mrs. Edward Masen Cullen..., I love the way that sounds," He kissed my hair...my neck...

"Yes, I like the sound of that, as well," he whispered, his lips against my ear. I shivered with pleasure. "It's a dream come true for me, you know. Something I wanted deep down but didn't dare dream of since the first moment we spoke."

As he wrapped his arms around my chest to pull me tight to him, his hand grazed against my breast and my breath caught in my throat. I heard him chuckle quietly into my ear. "You like that, do you," he teased?

"Uh huh...," I barely managed.

"Hmmmm...," he whispered as his hand cupped softly under my left breast. Softly he caressed my breast through my shirt, and teased my nipple with his thumb. I tried to keep my breathing slow, trying to allow things to progress slowly. I reached down and began to run my hands along him, feeling the long chiseled muscles of his thighs through the silk of his pajama pants. I heard his breath catch.

Then Edward guided me with his strong hands, turning me around so that I was kneeling in front of him, looking into his incredible golden eyes. He placed his cool hands on my waist, under my shirt, then without ever taking his eyes from mine, he pushed the bottom hem of my tank top slowly up over my head, pulling it free then dropping it on the floor. He ran his hand slowly down my upraised arms back to my waist. I slowly lowered my arms and ran my hands across his muscled chest. Only then, did he lower his eyes, allowing himself to take in my naked breasts. His breath caught. "Beautiful," he uttered almost reverently.

I slowly lowered myself onto my back, pulling Edward with me, his cool body making me shiver as it made contact. Edward settled next to me, laying on his side facing me. I watched his smoldering eyes, as he traced his long fingers along my jaw, down my neck, gently caressing my breasts, and gliding across my stomach. My body twitched involuntarily as the pleasure of his touch caused my heart to skip a beat. Again, I shivered as his cool lips began to trace the path already laid down by his the perfect touch of his gentle caresses. I wrapped my hand gently around his neck as he brought his lips to taste my breast, my back arched as I felt the heat that was building within me, though our prolonged contact was making me shiver. I moaned as I thought about how long I had wanted Edward and me to explore each other like this.

"Bella, are you cold?"

"I'm fine," I lied.

"You're a terrible liar, Bella," he chuckled. " Come with me, my love, I want to show you something," he said with a grin on his face as he picked me up and carried me into his bathroom.

He stood me on my feet, then walked toward the shower. My eyes raked over the perfect musculature in his shoulders and his back as he leaned into the shower adjusting the temperature. Then he was back, kneeling in front of me, laying more gentle kisses across my breasts, rib cage, and my stomach. I trembled as his lips found the hollow just below my hip bone. His hands wrapped around me and made their way slowly up the back of my thighs, over my buttocks and then to the waistband of my pajama pants. The steam in the bathroom and the sound of the running water was adding to my euphoria, the air was thick and Edward's scent was intoxicating. I allowed my hands to run through Edward's hair as he brought his lips to kiss my stomach. I felt breathless, as I struggled to stay in control of myself. "Edward...," I moaned.

"Yes, my love," he seductively answered?

"That feels so good"

"Hmmm. For me, too," he whispered, and I could hear his smile betrayed in the tone of his perfect velvet voice.

I felt my pajama bottoms being lowered, as always with calculated slowness. Then Edward lifted each of my feet, freeing them in turn, and placed my pajama bottoms on the counter.

Edward's POV

I turned to gaze at my Bella, intending to continue pleasuring her, but at the site of her near naked form, I froze. It was as if the wind were knocked out of me. Her beautiful creamy skin pulled taut over her perfect figure. Her tiny waist, flat stomach, and perfect breasts quivered as her increased breathing gave away her excitement. I sat back clumsily on my heals and began to shiver. Bella, my wife, was looking at me with such love in her eyes, such want, that I was completely incapacitated. "If only you knew how much I have wanted to see you like this, to feel your bare skin against my own. Bella, you are more stunningly perfect that I ever could have imagined."

"Edward," the sound of my name on her lips mobilized me, and again, I stood and took her in my arms and kissed her passionately, allowing my mouth to open slightly giving her more access than I ever had before. I heard her moan as our tongues briefly met. I ran my hands across her collarbones and allowed the back of my fingers to trace their way down the swell of her breasts, down her sides, and coming to rest at the top edge of her ice blue lace panties. "Beautiful," I muttered as I gazed down to appreciate the view. "May I," I asked?

"Of course," she whispered, as her heart increased its cadence and a blush spread across her cheeks. I ran my fingers under the top edge of her panties and kneeled before her as I slowly began to lower them to the floor. I helped Bella step out of them, then laid them next to her pajama bottoms on the counter. I felt venom flow into my mouth as the combination of her racing heart, and the smell of her excitement became almost overwhelming. But the human side of me was in control. My physical passion for Bella was winning out over the desires of the monster within me. I swallowed, kissed her briefly just below her belly button, then I stood and took her hand and helped her step into the steamy shower.

"I'll be right back," I whispered.

BPOV

The water was soft and warm as it ran over my chilled flesh. "Oh Goodness, Edward, this feels wonderful. What did you want to show me?" The shower door was ajar, and I glanced out eagerly anticipating Edward's return. I saw his arm reach out and place his folded pajama bottoms on the counter and I gasped as my heart leapt into my chest.

"Is somebody peeking," Edward teased?

Then he was there, standing in the shower doorway. I felt blood rushing into my cheeks as my eyes swept down his length, taking in Edward's beautiful physique. He was more glorious than I had let myself imagine. He smiled at me mischievously and stepped into the water as he pulled my body into his. The feel of his perfectly defined flesh against mine was incredible. I trembled at his touch, and felt his excitement as it pressed against me.

We took our time, caressing, running our hands across each other's water soaked bodies. I ran my hands over his shoulders then around and down his back over the small of his back and his perfect backside. I pressed my hips into him, and moved slowly causing delicious friction to build between myself and his excitement. Several times, I felt Edward freeze, and I slowed my pace, allowing him to regain his composure. Then I explored each ridge of his perfect abs with my hands before raking his chest with small wet kisses. Something was different. Edward's skin felt different.

"Edward! Your skin is warm!"

"That's what I wanted to show you, my love. Remember our first visit to our meadow, when I first placed my check against your chest and listened closely to the beautiful sound of your beating heart? Do you remember when I asked you to feel my cheek afterward? It was still warm. Do you remember," he asked?

"Yes, I remember," still confused.

"Well, our bodies do absorb heat temporarily. Like when we are in warm water like this. I knew you were getting cold, and I couldn't bear the thought of being separated from you, so I thought this would be a good solution. I would let the hot water warm both of us, so that I could feel your skin against mine a little longer."

"Mmmm, good thinking," I offered, then went back to kissing his neck.

I felt Edward's hands on my hips as he gently turned me around so that I was facing away from him. He moved my soggy hair out of his way, laying all of it over one shoulder so that he had easier access to my neck, which he began kissing. His lips were electric on my skin and I moaned and increased the pressure against his wet body.

His arms came around me, his left gently playing over my left breast, paying particular attention to my already excited nipple. His right hand slowly moved down to the front of my thigh. I groaned at the anticipation of him touching me where I most wanted to be touched. I felt a warm pressure building in my center as every ounce of me fought to keep control. I tried not to submit to the irresistible release that I could feel building within me. I arched my back, increasing pressure against his arousal. A gasp escaped his lips as he momentarily froze.

"Are you ok," I managed breathily?

"You cannot imagine how good this feels, how tempting."

"Again, my blood or my body," I asked, only slightly teasing?

Edward, finally able to move again, reached down and pressed his lips to my neck as he spoke, "As always, both, but right now, your body is winning."

Again, I groaned involuntarily. Edward's lips moved against the warm skin on my neck as his cool breath sent shivers of pleasure through my body. Finally I felt his hand moving toward my anxious desire, his still slightly chilled fingers gently exploring, creating exquisite friction. My pulse exploded as I moved against his hand and all efforts of fighting for control left. I felt all the air I held escape my lungs as blood rushed to my head and my vision blurred. Powerless, I gave into my delicious release as wave upon wave of pure ecstacy washed through me. "Edward.."...

"Oh God, Bella!"

EPOV

It was getting harder and harder to fight to remain gentle. The warmth of the water, and Bella's excitement were conspiring against me, bringing her blood flow closer to the surface causing an incredibly beautiful flush to her skin, and that incredibly delicious scent! Her heart was pounded in my ears, against my body. Her breath was hot and excited as small moans and gasps involuntarily escaped her lips. My own excitement was escalating, and I wanted so badly to feel myself inside her, moving with her, finally giving in to my physical desire. The ever-present pull of her sensuously aromatic blood, was causing an ache in my throat. I knew I should step back for a minute and give myself a minute to regain my composure, but my Bella was so excited. I wanted to please her, to make her mine.

Although I was new at this, I already knew what gave her pleasure. As my hands and my lips ran over her warm wet skin, I could feel her pulse race as my touch excited her. I could feel her anticipation, and smell her excitement as my sensitive fingers reached to elicit a response from her. My hands were exploring every inch of her, and my mind was so attuned to her every sound, smell, movement, and twitch of her sensitive skin. The way she rubbed against me as she obviously felt that my desire for her was equally strong, the friction she produced was clouding my judgement. She might be the death of me, yet - or if I wasn't careful...

Still I couldn't force myself to focus. I was caught up in my Bella, in her smell, her taste, her pleasure. Her pleasure was my pleasure. I ran my hand along her breast, and enjoyed the taut but soft supple feel of her skin under my touch. My other hand was exploring its way down her sensuous body to her thigh, where I heard her pulse quicken. I knew what she wanted, how she wanted to be touched, I allowed her heart rate to guide me. I could deny her nothing. I gently began to explore her warmth, allowing my fingers to press into her, creating slippery friction of my own. Bella suddenly pushed herself closer to my touch, as her heart rate went wild. Her unrestrained orgasm pushed me nearly beyond restraint. The sounds, the smells, the feel of her completely uninhibited release shaking through her, then my name on her lips, "Edward...," and I momentarily saw black.

"Oh God. Bella!"

I threw my arms around her waist, caging her tightly against me as I fell back against the wall of the shower to steady myself. Unseeing, I turned my eyes toward the ceiling moving my teeth as far away from her aromatic throat as I could manage. My teeth were clenched, my eyes wild, and my arms were like a vise, not allowing Bella any movement at all. I fought to force my mind to focus, to release myself from the animalistic instincts trying to take control of my actions. I couldn't push her away from me, I couldn't allow my weakness to make her feel rejected, but I couldn't allow the irresistible friction that any movement of her body against mine would create, to further weaken my resistance to hurt her. I held her tight to me, making it impossible for her to move. I stopped breathing, trying to distance my mind from the heady sweet smell of Bella's pleasure, and her always singing blood. Bella froze, then slowly relaxed...and waited...


	13. Chapter 13 Calm after the Storm

**The Characters are the property of and strictly from the imagination of Stephenie Meyer. **

_Thank you to Shabbyapple from for reading and re-reading these chapters, contributing ideas, and making the whole thing better. If anyone needs a great beta...give her a call, she's fabulous. _

**Chapter 13 - The Calm after the Storm**

BPOV

I instinctively stood very still. I couldn't hear Edward breathing, so I knew he was fighting to regain control. I had let myself lose control, and had nearly pushed Edward beyond his limits. Still, I couldn't bring myself to feel afraid. This was my Edward. I couldn't believe he could truly harm me. I focused on slowing my breathing and my calming myself so that my heart would slow.

Slowly, Edward began to release his tight grip on me, allowing me to move a little. I was very careful, how I moved. I turned to look at him. His face was guilt ridden.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Did I hurt you?" Edward's voice sounded shaken.

"No, I'm fine. I'm so sorry, Edward. I let myself get a little carried away. Are you ok?"

"Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. Did I scare you?" he asked hesitantly. I could hear the self-loathing in his tone.

"No, I knew you wouldn't hurt me. My love, we knew that it was possible that this couldn't happen. If we need to wait for a few more days, then we will wait. It's fine. Would it be all right if I kiss you, or should I wait...," I asked?

And Edward stepped slowly toward me, put his arms around me and kissed me gently.

I could tell there was more he wanted to say, but I decided not to push him. Edward turned off the shower, then stepped out and grabbed some thick towels and returned, with one wrapped around his waist. He wrapped one towel around me then used the other to towel-dry my hair, then held my hand and led me out of the shower. "Come, I have another surprise for you."

I paused long enough to grab my brush off of the counter and quickly brushed through my damp hair. Finished with my hair, I laid the brush down and reached for my small pile of clothing on the counter, but Edward stopped me. He picked me up into his arms and carried me back into the bedroom and laid me on the bed.

" Ok, what's the surprise," I asked confused?

"This," and he handed me a little plastic box. I looked at it and began to laugh. It was a temperature control for an electric blanket. "You bought me an electric blanket for _one night_?"

Edward looked a little sheepish, "I didn't want you to get cold laying next to me. I turned it on just before I got in the shower."

"Thank you Edward. I love it. Really. I love it. Now come and lay next to me. Mmmm, it's nice and warm in here." I pulled the towel off of me and dropped it on the floor next to the bed. Edward's eyes burned as they raked over me. I could feel his slight hesitation, then he dropped his towel and climbed into the bed next to me. His skin still retained some of the borrowed warmth from the shower. I pulled myself toward him, laying my head on his shoulder and began running my hand over his chest.

"So, tell me what happened in the shower. I want to know what you felt so that I can make things easier on you tonight?" I asked a little hesitantly.

" Bella, you shouldn't have to think about what you can and cannot do, after all this is your wedding night," he replied sullenly.

"No, this is _our _wedding night. This is not _my _issue, or _your _issue, this is _our_ issue. This is marriage. You know, husbands and wives sharing their concerns."

"Bella, this is your wedding night, your biggest concern right now should be what side of the bed you sleep on, not how to stay alive while making love to your husband." I heard the familiar sound of Edward's self-loathing returning to his voice.

"Edward, this is the life I've chosen. I thought you were going to try to respect my decisions and not second guess them. This _was_ and _is_ my choice. I wanted to marry you. I want to be here lying naked next to you, the man of my dreams. I want to understand you, to know what I can do to make you happy. Stop spending our time worrying about things that just don't matter. Talk to me Edward, stop trying to protect me and talk to me! I told you before that I was willing to wait until after my change, but you obviously wanted to try this tonight, so we should talk about this. I know you're laying there wrongfully imagining every way in which you have let me down and I don't know how to help make you feel better. I need to know how difficult things got for you when we were in the shower. Should I try to get you out of this self-loathing mood by trying to have my way with you tonight - or - is this just too dangerous? How can I know what to do until I know what happened to you? Either way, I have not been cheated in any way. Today I married my soul-mate, and tomorrow I will begin my eternal life with you, and then we will be able to make love forever. Is there a soul on this planet as lucky as I am tonight?"

I lay there quietly allowing my words to sink in as uncertainty registered in his eyes. I decided to push..

"Edward! What happened? Tell me what you were feeling. Was it my blood? Was it physically too much? Talk to me...," I could feel tears of frustration starting to form, and I blinked them back.

"I don't want to frighten you. I don't want to disappoint you," he quietly said.

"As if that were possible. Edward, please help me understand. _Talk_ to me," I pleaded.

After gathering his thoughts, he finally began: "It was a combination of things. You are exquisitely tempting, my love: The feel of your pulse quickening with my every touch, leading me to places that I knew you wanted me to touch. The sound of your ragged breath and the small noises you made as you became more excited. It was so erotic. And, as always, the smell of your blood, made even more alluring as the heat brought it closer to the surface. I could feel it running through your veins and smell was driving me wild. I wanted so badly to please you. Then when I finally touched you, and you said my name as you climaxed - and the smell of your excitement - my vision swam and my instincts nearly took me over. It was not just my instincts to feel your blood course down my throat, but my human instincts, as well. I wanted to grab you and push myself inside you and feel what we have been denying ourselves for too long. I knew I could hurt you, if I wasn't careful, and I knew that I couldn't be careful just then - my passion was too raw."

"I'm sorry my love. I knew I needed to be cautious, but I got carried away. You were just too sexy for your own good," I said trying to lighten the moment.

He hesitated for a moment then added, "And I just don't like the thought that your last experience went far better than this one."

So this was going to be about Jacob, again? I opened my mouth to shout, when I saw the look in Edward's eyes, and I knew how much he regretted saying that to me, how hard it was to express his insecurity. Again, I deserved this, and I knew it. I had broken his trust, and however long it took him to get past it, I would be patient and understanding. I had asked him to be honest, so whatever questions he had, I would have to try to answer. I was unused to him showing me any insecurity, but I had given him this wound, now I would have to help him heal. I waited for my anger to pass, then:

"Edward, my love, there is no comparison between what happened between Jacob and me and what we just did. I never did _that_ with Jacob. I never got that _excited_."

"You didn't," he asked slightly encouraged?

"No. I didn't," I answered. "I should have been more cautious tonight. I'm sorry."

He looked at me with such love in his eyes, "I liked that I was able to give you that much pleasure. Please don't apologize. I think it was the surprise more than anything that got the better of me. I knew I should have backed off a little, and give myself a second to focus, but I got so caught up in hearing your excitement, that I just couldn't stop. It's not your fault, Bella."

"So, why was it so important to you to try tonight. For months you asked me to 'be reasonable and wait until I was less breakable,' then when I decide to do just that, you want to try. Tell me what you were thinking. Certainly waiting a few more days with your incredible patience wouldn't be too difficult, so why were you so anxious to try," I asked? I wanted to understand what had driven Edward put himself in such an agonizing position.

"It's all of the things that make you so tantalizing to me. I wanted to feel your warmth. The feel of your heartbeat against my skin, radiating through my body, it almost made me feel human again. I love hearing your heart race when you're excited, telling me what excites you most, it almost makes up for not being able to read your mind. I wanted to make love to my wife, while I could still dazzle her," and with that he smiled.

"So...," I delicately began, "do you want to try again? Or, do you think it's just too dangerous? I trust you, Edward. If you get close to losing control, you cannot worry about disappointing me, just let me know and we'll stop or slow down. We'll just try. If I get too excited, I'll let you know and you can decide whether it will be too tempting. We'll just take things slowly."

"If anything ever happened to you, Bella..," Edward began.

I raised a finger and pressed it to his cool lips. "I trust you." Then I reached up and kissed him, gently forcing his lips to move with mine until I felt the tension in his shoulders begin to relax. "So, do you want to try again, or would you rather take me downstairs and play the piano for me, I would love to hear my new song." I asked, giving him an alternate plan.

Then Edward's lips were gently moving against mine again. Oh how glorious he smelled as my head began to spin. His kisses then moved to my neck, then my throat, as I fought to keep my breathing even, though my heart beat betrayed my excitement.

"May I touch you?" I asked, not wanting to take Edward by surprise.

"Mmmmm, _please_," he uttered.

Butterflies filled my throat, and my heart skipped a beat at the sound of his sexy, 'please'. I began placing small kisses on his throat, then down to his chest as my hand traced the perfect musculature of his beautiful chest and abs. Slowly I moved my caresses down along the firm muscled V of his lower abdomen then along the long solid muscles of his thighs. Small growls escaped him as he anticipated my touch. I looked up into his eyes, and he nodded, letting me know that he was still in control. I allowed my eyes to take in his beauty, welding it to my memory. Finally allowing my hand to softly explore the length of his arousal, I gently stroked and explored the feel of him, excited by the obvious pleasure I was giving him. As I allowed my touch to linger, I began to spread kisses across his muscled torso, paying special attention to the sensitive spot just below his navel. I kept my movements slow, and my kisses light, then gently grazed my teeth across his skin.

Suddenly, I was in Edward's arms, our bodies molded together, as he crushed his lips against mine - a deep growl issuing from his chest. He was taking control again, and I was more than happy to allow him. He rolled us over and hovered over me, careful not to put too much weight on me, as he moved his kisses along my jaw and neck. A flood of butterflies invaded my throat, and a small moan escaped my quivering lips. His scent mingled with the heady sensual feel of his cool lips against my overheated skin and I felt my excitement begin to build.

"Edward...?" I questioned cautiously.

"Hmmmm, my love?"

I could barely string the words together to form a coherent sentence, "Are...you...mmmm, that feels good...are ...you..ok?"

He chuckled softly, "Yes my love, I'm more than ok. I'm just enjoying covering my beautiful wife with kisses. How about you, are you all right?"

"Mmmmm," was all I could manage.

Edward finally settled between my legs, though I bore little of his weight. He continued scorching my hot skin with his cool kisses. I felt his cool lips and breath brush against my earlobe and a shiver of pleasure coursed through me. He moved his kissed down to my collarbone and the hollow of my throat, then lavished his attention on my breasts. My mind now too preoccupied with maintaining control could no longer focus. My hands now turned their attention from running over the muscles of his shoulders and back, to desperately tangling themselves in the sheets at my side. My body had given itself over to Edward.

"Edward, ..I'm ...so... _close_," I managed. I was trying so hard to maintain enough focus to not surprise him, but the sensations, his scent, and his occasional sexy growls were undoing my resolve.

"Bella?" he softly spoke, "May I make love to you?" I looked into his eyes and saw his loving concern for me mixed with a gentle vulnerability I had only seen a few times before. He was asking my permission. My heart melted, my bones grew weak, and a groan escaped my lips as an overwhelming wave of love washed through me. Oh, how I loved this man!

"Yes, Edward. Please make love to me." I whispered.

"I love you, Bella. Please always be mine." His eyes bore deeply into mine, as I felt him push toward my entrance.

I gasped, wanting desperately to feel him inside me, but Edward momentarily froze. I felt a shiver run through his body, though I could tell by his eyes that I wasn't in any danger. I desperately wanted to lift my hips toward him, taking him deep inside myself, but resisted the impulse. Whatever he was feeling, his eyes were gentle and loving, and I allowed him to take all of me at his own pace. I tried to momentarily push down my eminent release to allow us more time. My heart raced with anticipation, my breath caught in my chest then came in ragged gasps as he finally lowered his hips toward mine, sinking deep into my warmth. My hands came up and grasped at his hips as Edward moaned.

He began to establish a slow and sensual rhythm for us, the delicious friction causing us both to tremble with pleasure. I never imagined such erotic bliss. I felt emotionally vulnerable, laid bare and left powerless by the passion I felt - and I saw the same expression in Edward's eyes. As the tension in my core began to build, Edward responded by increasing the intensity of his thrusts, or increasing or decreasing the speed of our rhythm to heighten my experience. He was an unselfish and observant lover, allowing the tension in my body to build wave upon wave until I could no longer contain myself. Feeling myself on the very edge of abandon, I looked deeply in his eyes, trying to gage his level of control. His face was full of love and desire for me.

"It's all right, my love, just let go," he gently whispered as his dazzling breath washed through my senses.

And I was in bliss. Wave upon wave of pleasure washed over me as my release came, again and again, and when I was finally spent, Edward gave into his own climax. We clung to each other allowing this new intimacy to wash over us and take us under. Finally Edward settled next to me and pulled me into his side, allowing my head to rest against his chest.

"Thank you," I whispered then gently kissed his chest.

"No, thank you, my love, for trusting me - for allowing me to make love to my beautiful wife, for giving me an experience worthy of a century of wait. Thank you for completing my life. I love you, my Bella," he softly spoke, as he gently kissed the top of my head and squeezed me closer to him.

"I love you, too."

For several long moments we lay quietly caressing each other, lost in our thoughts. The warmth put off by the electric blanket made it easy to stay snuggled against Edward's side. Edward had his right arm up under his head, while his left was wrapped around me holding me against him as he traced lazy patterns over my arm and shoulder. He looked so contented, so happy.

"What are you thinking," I asked with a smile?

"How undeserving I am to be this happy," he smiled

"No one is more deserving than you, Edward. You are the most thoughtful man that has ever walked this earth. I wish you could see you through my eyes."

"Bella, are you all right? I mean, I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No, you didn't hurt me, and I'm much better than all right. I watched your eyes so carefully as you made love to me, and you didn't seem to be struggling at all with losing control. What were you thinking? Why was it easier for you this time," I asked as I leaned up on one elbow so that I could see into his beautiful topaz eyes.

EPOV

I paused for a moment, trying to frame my words into something that would give her a glimpse into my heart.

"I knew I wouldn't be surprised this time. I decided that I would solely concentrate on causing you pleasure, after all _your_ pleasure has always been _my_ pleasure. I concentrated on listening to your heart, feeling your pulse and your breathing. My other needs faded to background noise as my only focus became feeling your warmth surround me and watching your eyes as you teetered on the edge of control. Nothing else mattered but your happiness - and mine. I had imagined this moment a thousand times in my mind, but never came close to imagining how my heart would feel, as though it was expanding a hundred fold and still straining to contain the infinite love I have for you. I've never known anything that has made me _feel_ so deeply. I never knew I could feel such unrestrained happiness."

I looked down at my beautiful wife, and saw tears of love and joy welling up in her perfect brown eyes, as she smiled at me.

"I hope it is always like this. I don't know what our life will be after tomorrow night, but if this were my last moment on this earth, my life would have been perfect," she said, then settled back into the crook of my arm nuzzling my chest with her nose and her perfect warm soft lips.

Her breathing and heart beat were slowing, and I knew from their perfect synchronicity that she was near dozing. "Close your eyes, my love, I'll be here when you awaken," I whispered and kissed her gently on the forehead as she closed her eyes and smiled contentedly.

I allowed the silence to permeate as my thoughts wandered. Flashes of places, times, and people from my past shot randomly through my mind: images of my former solitary existence, feelings of loneliness, and glimpses of my pretenses of not needing anyone to share my life with. I'm not sure I even knew what I was missing. I was proud and arrogant in my solitude. I saw myself plodding through life as though life itself was slightly out of focus and without definition and color. I had been immersed in tedium with little purpose or real joy, and with few distractions from the obligatory going-through-the-motions of living life day in and day out.

But oh, how my obligatory half-life was doomed the moment I gazed upon her beautiful face for the first time. From the moment I first spoke with her, I felt a stirring of emotion break through me and I knew in an instant I could never go back to living an existence based only upon my love of music and literary and intellectual pursuits. Though my heart was cold and still, I felt it pulse with the lure of all that loving her could bring me, danger and taboos be damned! Her love and acceptance of all that I am, and all that I had been breathed new life into my soul - a soul that I could possibly now allow myself the faith to believe that I had.

I watched her eyes lids dance, as she slipped more deeply into sleep, and a smile crossed my face. I knew she was dreaming, and I held my breath waiting, hoping to hear my name on her lips. I languished in the feel of her creamy, soft, warm skin as it pressed against the entire length of my body, and felt a surge of euphoria wash over me as I realized, again, that my Bella was now my wife. She was mine to love, to protect, to honor, to spoil, to spend my eternity to try to understand the mystery that was her heart and her mind. Her errant thoughts and unselfish nature were still such unexpected mysteries to me. I doubt I would ever completely unravel the mystery of her, but I was looking forward to an eternity of effort.

"Edward, my love," she quietly uttered prayer-like in her sleep.

And my still heart jumped in my chest. She loved me. She loved me and nothing else in this world would ever matter again. My mind poured over all that we had experienced together this marvelous day. Our beautiful wedding filled my memory, our pledging our love in front of family and friends, and privately vowing to love each other for all of eternity. Then spending time with Bella this evening as we broke new boundaries, exploring new levels of intimacy together. I found it so exhilarating to have been able to see and feel my beautiful Bella without the constraints of clothing. To feel her beneath me, and to feel her very pulse surround me and run through me as I entered her. I loved taking clues from her body, leading me to draw out her pleasure, to give her as much happiness as I could while allowing myself to _feel_, truly _feel_ her love and desire for me. Tonight was my vision of heaven, while tomorrow would certainly be my vision of hell.

Tonight I was able to suppress my animal instincts to take her blood, tomorrow, I would have to give in to them. Tomorrow, I would take my beautiful Bella's life, taste her lusciously aromatic blood, then watch as she writhes in pain and agony. Oh Hell, indeed. I hoped I would have the strength to endure, to restrain myself from taking more than just a little of her blood as I fill her with my venom. I hope I am able to give comfort to her as she gives her life for me, binding us eternally. But I would worry about that tomorrow.

I looked up at the window and contemplated the eminent breaking dawn. Dawn: the close of the long darkness, and the promise of a new beginning. My long solitary existence was over. This was the beginning of a new life, not only for Bella and I together, but for myself. With Bella at my side as my immortal companion, I saw the hope and promise of endless light and happiness stretching before us. I gently kissed her head as I closed my eyes and silently uttered a prayer of gratitude for my Bella and for the happy future that I now knew was ours.


End file.
